It's not about weight loss or nutrition or exercise, specifically. It's not even just about sexuality, though that's the foundation from which she begins. It's about being honest, with yourself and with others. And if that doesn't relate to every aspect of health, then I don't know what does. Any change begins with a deep breath and getting real.
When I first saw this, it resonated so much with me, because living in a morbidly obese body was a lot like living in a closet. It was one that the world could see, unlike other closets she mentions. I may not relate directly to the traditional "coming out" experience, but I can understand what it's like to have to hide your identity. Enough people have responded directly to my posts about Binge Eating Disorder with some element of surprise and gratitude and the sentiment "you're so brave to put that out there" that I understand even more just how much I hid for a very long time.
She nails it with the grenade analogy. Hold on to something for too long and it will explode in your hand. Whether it's anger, hurt, negativity, or a secret, holding on to anything but love, hope, and happiness will eventually blow up all over you. I have a forum now, a way to come out about whatever I want to, and it no longer feels brave when I do. It just heals. I am now trying to figure out not only who I want to be, but who I *am.* Who I might have been if I hadn’t arrested my development at the angsty teenage years. If I had stepped out of my closet, and truly lived.
Identity is huge. I don’t want to just be the fat girl. I don't want to be the formerly-fat-girl. I don’t want to be the girl with the eating disorder. I just want to be … me.
The thing is, now that I can finally fit into a closet, I don't want to live there.