It's been awhile since I've spent a Sunday in the gym, "working out." Sometimes I'll go for the lane swim. I've tried the morning yoga class. But, more often, Sunday is the day that I do things with friends and it's very often active. Especially in the summer.

This weekend I tried kayaking. It had been planned for some time, but with the cold, rainy weather we've had lately, I didn't think it would happen. As it turns out, it was a great day to be outside, on a little lake, enjoying nature and one of the last days of summer weather. It couldn't have been more perfect.

It hasn't been deliberate, equating Sundays with trying new active things, or getting together with friends in fit and healthy ways. It's usually because it's the one day of the week that people have off work and are able to make plans.

But I got thinking about the spiritual side of exercise. Finding Fitness. Is it a little like finding religion? I mean, what do people get out of spirituality? They get a direction for their life, a purpose. They get strength. Sometimes they get a social group out of it, because you're with like-minded people. Most often, they get peace, a way to find an inner calm in a society of chaos.

"Working out" doesn't always do that for me. However, physical activity DOES. It's why I think it's really important to find something that you enjoy. The working out in the gym allows me to do these fun, adventurous things with people in my leisure time. On occasion, the gym IS the social aspect, or what I accomplish doing something hard or something new or something fun in a workout IS the peace or confidence I'm seeking.

And the physical strength that I build in the gym translates pretty directly to an increase in overall strength: emotionally, mentally, and - yes - spiritually. In a recent article about female bodybuilders, Dani Shugart wrote why women train, even when they're not entering competitions: "We train for mental clarity. We train because the goal of fat loss is soul-sucking, cliché, and mostly unenjoyable. We train because we'd rather look like Wonder Woman than Barbie. We train to be the type of woman nobody wants to mess with. We train to build grit. We train for habitual excellence. We train for ourselves."

I guess it really all works together. The pursuit of fitness is the purpose and direction I'm trying to base my life around, and I get a lot of the same benefits out of it that many people do by pursuing religion. It supports and enhances all other aspects of my life.

Why this never occurred to me before, I don't know. I only made the connection yesterday when, in a conversation with Mat about having to decide how much I have time to do and what I can afford to pursue, he reminded me (again), that I am not doing this for him. I don't exercise for anyone else, I do it for myself. "You find what works physically, financially, spiritually, etc." he told me.

Spiritually.
That word jumped out at me. Seemed a bit odd and out of place, but the more I think about it, the more sense it makes.

Fitness is becoming my new religion. And I can worship anywhere.

Shark Week is wrapping up for another year. Okay, so sharks have nothing to do with my gut, or weight loss, or nutrition. I don't really care one way or the other about sharks, yet every summer I get sucked in to Shark Week on the Discovery channel. Which ends up taking up a lot of my time, and got me thinking back to when I truly was a couch potato.

I've been able to kick two habits I used to have, which impacted my weight and health dramatically. The rest? Not so much. Food choices and exercise are continual struggles, but giving up pop and switching to pretty much only water was the biggest single influence on my health. The other was weaning myself off of TV.

Shark Week has been a bit of a reminder about how watching TV is a slippery slope back into bad health. Couch sitting. Bad posture. More snacking; mindless snacking. And guilt over the things that didn't get done, which should have got done. Yet, there I sit, unable to tear my eyes away from the sharks tearing the flesh off their prey.

TV used to rule my life to the point that I'd work social engagements around "my shows." This was back in the day when weekly TV was the way to watch, when the term "watercooler show" meant something because everyone would watch one episode at a time and then have to wait. These days, the shows that people get really into can be watched almost in their entirety on DVD sets or Netflix, and even if you watch new episodes weekly, you can catch up on-demand or PVR it and watch at your convenience. I'd have had far fewer excuses for missing the gym as a teen and young adult had I had the kind of TV options that I do today, but back in the olden days <cough cough cough> I stopped what I was doing at 8:00 pm to watch the show of choice, and then ended up staying glued to the tube for the rest of the evening. But, even when you can watch shows at your convenience, it still sucks up an awful lot of time to sit there and just absorb.

I still have shows I watch, of course. I have tried, over the years, to wean myself off of TV and deliberately not gotten sucked in to starting new programs. The more someone tries to tell me how much they think I'd love a certain series, the less likely I am to start watching because if I don't start, I don't get hooked. If I get hooked, I'm really hooked.

See, I'm a true binger. I binge eat. I binge read. And I binge tv-watch.
Clearly, finding balance in ANYTHING in my life is an issue, not just with food.

So if I turn the TV on for anything, I tend to leave it on. Shark Week comes at the end of a long and busy summer, and when I come home mentally and/or physically exhausted at the end of the day, it's a perfect way to unwind and relax before jumping into chores or blogging or work prep for the next day. The problem is that I get sucked in and then none of that happens. I stay on the couch.

And, as it turns out, it's as important for my health (and yours!) to stay off the couch as it is to stay out of the water. Shark-infested hunting-ground water, that is.

While it may feel relaxing, initially, and in small doses, to sit on the couch and veg while watching things move on a screen in front of you, in the long term it's not. Studies have been done on the relative happiness of people who watch more and less TV. Guess who's happier? You got it: the people who watch less of the boob tube. I think it's because, even if you're not being physically active, chances are you are being social, or mentally active, or sleeping. You're doing something productive. You are exercising your mind. Did you know that reading a book elicits the same brain wave patterns as doing yoga? Truth. Sleeping regenerates your brain cells in a much needed way, in addition to providing your body with rest. There are many sedentary activities which are stimulating for the mind, but watching TV is not one of them. No matter how much valuable information about shark behaviour you're gleaning.

So, I've had my week of sloth-like rest.
Sharks are fascinating creatures.
But it's time to get off the couch and get back in the water.

And if there's a chance at free training sessions, you bet your patootie I'll be doing it through My Fitness Pal. I'll
overlook the fact that it makes it easier for Mat to check what I'm eating than my giant binder with photos that I'd bring him each month. Prizes! Free stuff! I'm in.

And, hopefully, I will also soon be back on track.

It's often easy to overlook change and growth when it's daily, when it's slow. Summertime Tuesdays have become a good barometer of how I'm progressing annually, and especially how fitness has helped me increase my stamina.

I have worked at the same library for the past four summers. Every year, for 7 weeks, my Tuesdays have been packed with back to back to back outreach programs. I start at our local market and do a Family Storytime. Then, I go directly to a community centre and do another story program. There is just under an hour between that and the next thing, during which I usually go home for lunch and a quick email check, because I happen to live just a block away from the community centre. Then, I used to go back to the community centre to do another program for the older kids. This year, I am instead going to the Y (my home away from home), and doing yet another story time for the 3-5 year old day campers. By the time I actually set foot at work, my day is nearly done, and I only have about two hours to do everything I need to before I am on a public service desk for an hour. It's kind of a crazy set-up, but it works because of how close each location is to the other. So, each year, I keep scheduling it this way.

By the end of the day, I'll confess: I'm exhausted. Doing a program takes a lot out of you, because it's a specific kind of energy, not unlike performing. The travel to and from adds to the frenetic nature, and means being really well planned and packed. Timing is everything.

Three and four years ago, by the end of the day on Tuesdays, I was done. Just ... done. I could hardly speak. I'd be at my desk, breaking down in some way, whether it was near tears or in uncontrollable hysterical  giggles. Thinking was hard. Talking clearly was worse. I got a bad case of the stupids. And most of my half-hour desk shifts at the end of those days were generously picked up by co-workers who could see that I just didn't have it in me to serve the public. In other words, I could barely do my job. I went straight home to bed and did nothing in the evenings.

I shouldn't have been so tired that I couldn't think straight, but I was.

Flash forward to this summer. Same routine. Different outcome. Four weeks in, and I have no problem doing the last hour on the desk - pleasantly, helpfully, professionally - and getting ready for the next day. In fact, after my work shift, I go directly to the Y for Group Core and TRX Flexibility classes. I don't get home until after 8:00 pm. Granted, I sometimes get the yawns by the time TRX rolls around, yawns which are awfully contagious (sorry, friends). But I also get a second wind in between work and working out; the stamina and energy I have from the consistent fitness routines is tangible. Last summer I saw an improvement over the first summers. This year, it's even better.

Truth be told, my summertime Tuesdays still tire me out.
It's just that it feels like a much healthier, honest-day's-work kind of tired instead of can't-cope-with-the-world exhaustion. Exercise is helping me to do my job, and do it well. Fitness is helping me live a much happier life.

The proof is in the Tuesdays.

The blog posts have been lacking lately. I've been busy - with a capital B. I usually hate when blogs get to that point where every few weeks there's a post pointing out how they haven't blogged. Well, duh. Life happens. No need to point out that you haven't been writing. I just thought maybe I'd explain why.

Spring is always super busy in my world, and this year there were extra factors at work that made it even more so. On top of a frenzied work schedule, I kept up the gym routine. So, I haven't had the energy to come home and research or write, even when I've had the time, which was not often. The 8-week Outdoor Fitness Challenge ended about a week ago, and I've been nursing my need for creativity by playing with photos from it to create videos (which can hopefully be shared on the blog). I haven't been lacking in the working-on-the-gut department, I've just been lacking in writing about it.

But, it occurred to me just how much fitness has impacted my daily life. In ways I wouldn't have thought. As it turns out, as a children's librarian, my job is to be a professional fool. I perform a lot, and have to ham it up and be silly. This takes a certain amount of confidence and a certain amount of not caring what people think, both of which have increased with weight loss and strength gains. The ability to hold a squat has come in handy more than once, while acting out things like sitting in a chair. It also takes energy to be "on" all the time, and the consistent workouts have helped to recharge a depleted battery and keep me going (not to mention the occasional stress release!). More surprisingly, I've managed to include fitness in the performances themselves.

We held a Story Mob last week, based on the book by Nicholas Oldland called The Busy Beaver. There's a part where he has to recover from having a tree fall on him, and he does yoga and lifts weights. Part of a Story Mob is having props to act out the various parts, so you can guess which ones I snagged! There was a picket-line-type sign declaring "Do more yoga!" and promoting weight lifting to get stronger and better after injury. A few years ago, I'd have had zero interest in that.

All through this week, we are putting on a variety show to kick off the summer reading club. Five shows over three days. There is an active song which is practically a workout in itself, but after doing Button Factory, I'm not out of breath. There was a time when doing a song with those kind of actions would have winded me, and I couldn't have done the seamless transition to the next act. One of the skits is based on the book "Not a Stick" where we use our imaginations to pretend the stick is something else. Again, it was the weight-lifting part that caught my eye and I got excited about. So, twice daily, I pretend to do a deadlift and an Olympic lift with a feather-light stick. And darned if I'm not channeling Mat and thinking about form when I pantomime it. I couldn't ham it up like that if I didn't know how it felt to do it for real, how to make it look real, and every time I bend over I think "back flat, Barb; heels to the ground."

In short, I've been a busy little beaver. Well, "busy" only begins to cover it. I tallied up some stats from the past 6 weeks about the outreach I've been doing to promote the library and our summer reading programs. I've been to 7 schools where I saw 88 classes and talked about the Summer Reading Club to 2085 people; put on 272 km in mileage; did "Welcome to Kindergarten" parent nights at 8 schools, over 7 nights (yup, 2 in one night!), seeing 453 people. Story Mob, the Kidders variety show, and planning and prep for the actual summer programs that I've been so busy promoting. I'm TIRED.

But I also know what to do about it.
I'll get back on my feet,
do lots of yoga,
and lift weights.

And soon I will get back to blogging about it.

A cornerstone to fitness is routine and habit. Whether it's making a schedule for exercise or maintaining healthy eating habits, it usually involves some kind of plan. It's when plans go awry that I get in trouble.

I've been in a solid routine through the weekdays, as far as working out. Personal training twice a week, Outdoor Fitness Challenge class twice a week, and a Tuesday evening back-to-back class schedule that fits beautifully into my work day. Those times are non-negotiable for me; I know I'm showing up, no matter what. I don't have to think about it. Weekends are far more hit-or-miss because of work and social obligations, but there are classes I can sometimes get myself to, or else those become my rest days.

In other words, it's been awhile since I've been on my own, trying to come up with my own workout.

That's the scenario I found myself in on Monday. I had a personal training hour booked for the evening (already a change in routine; I usually work Monday nights and train in the morning, but in June work demands a flexible schedule to accommodate school visits and outreach). Just as clients sometimes cancel on him at the last minute, Mat had a "life happens" situation and late afternoon I got the message that we were going to have to reschedule. Okay. Plan B.

Only, coming up with another plan can throw me off when I've been counting on Plan A. This has always been true for me, not dealing well with unexpected changes, and it's something I've had to work on to get much better with my reactions. As I saw it, I had a few options:

• Do nothing. "Oh well, Mat cancelled, guess I'm off the hook for the night."
• Find a friend to go back to the hill I tried on Sunday, to practice more hill runs.
• Check the Y's schedule to see what classes were offered in the evening.
• Go in and do my own workout. On my own. By myself.

I went back and forth for the rest of the day on which option to choose. I could have given myself any excuse to simply skip that day. I was tired. My throat hurt. I had a ton of work that could'a and should'a been done instead. It was raining (no hill runs). I didn't know who'd be around the Y or who taught the classes (no social impetus to motivate me). The classes which I'd have been interested in started too early for me to make it from work, or so late that I'd have to go home in between, losing momentum and making it exponentially less likely that I'd get my butt back out the door. Everything pointed to calling it a scrub day.

Except, there was a small voice in my head that said, "no." No. If you skip this planned workout just because Mat cancelled, then you are making this about him. You are relying too much on him. It's your body. It's your health. You can do this. Just go.

Without a plan, I showed up at the Y. Lesson number one: always keep your gym bag packed and ready in the car. I had done that in the morning, not fully knowing when I'd leave work or whether I'd go home in between. It made it possible to go directly to the gym; do not pass GO, do not collect $200. My mindset was to do SOMETHING, even if it was to just plug in the MP3 and jump on an elliptical. Second lesson: something is better than nothing.

It was about 20 minutes in to the sweaty elliptical routine when I started to think, "okay. You've done enough. We're bored and tired and there's still that mountain of chores to do. Let's go." And then I caught a glimpse in the mirror. I noticed who else was around. Two familiar faces, both clients of Mat's. I wasn't sure if they just happened to be there, or if he'd cancelled their sessions too. Either way, I noticed that we were all on machines (treadmills, for them; they can run).

An epic debate began in my head. Old me vs new me. Or, maybe it was lazy Barb vs competitive Barb. I don't know. The same little voice that said, "go. Do something" was saying "come on, how long have you been at this? You've learned nothing from Mat? Honestly. You are embarrassing yourself - and him - just hiding away on this machine." I needed a plan. It's a hangup I seem to have about doing anything other than easy cardio machines. There's an entire conditioning centre, and I've used just about everything in it, but it's always been with someone who's wearing a shirt that says "trainer." It's always been with a signal to everyone else that it's okay, I'm allowed to be here, someone is showing me what to do.

I felt like I didn't belong there otherwise.
I felt like I'd be judged.
I felt like everyone else knew what they were doing and I'd look like a fool.
Then, I felt like an idiot, because none of that is true.

Deep breath. Think. Watch the others and what they are doing. Calm yourself and THINK about what Mat would make you do. Form a plan.

Which is how I got off the elliptical and on to the Captain's Chair. I started with a few knee raises to do some core work, but mostly it was a mental game to remind me that I was the boss of myself. I am my own captain, steering my own ship. Sorry, Mat. My coach is awesome, but on this day I didn't need him.

Then I grabbed a medicine ball and a kettle bell. My hand hovered over the 15 lb. "Mat's not here, he won't know the difference." Wait. What? No way, Jose. I use the 25 lb in personal training, so I'm using it on my own. Start swinging. Do some pushups with the medicine ball. One hand on the ball, the other on the floor, push up, roll the ball to the other hand. 10 times each hand. Exactly as I've done countless times before. More swings. More pushups. A bit of stretching. Sprint for 3 minutes on the bike. Do a bit of rowing. Okay. Now. NOW you can say you've done a workout. Whether it was good or not, whether it was effective or well-planned, I finally got off the machines and used the conditioning centre like a big girl.

I can do this.

You know, I still need Mat. He watches my form when I'm using weights, which is why I haven't injured myself yet. He understands how to put together a program that makes sense. There are so many reasons to work with a personal trainer that I don't know how or when to say "it's enough, no more sessions." That's a blog post for another day. But I also think there's a danger in over-relying on someone else - anyone else - for your own health and fitness. This was a great reminder that I can be okay on my own. I just need to get smart and come in with a plan.

And I don't have to have an all-or-nothing reaction if those plans happen to change.

They say that the first step to addressing a problem is admitting you have one. Clearly, I know that disordered eating is an issue for me. What makes it tricky to sort out is exactly HOW it is a problem, because that affects the way I handle it.

Why is it that some times I can say no, and at other times my willpower completely fails me? Why is it that some foods hold more sway over me than they do over someone else (and vice versa)? More to the point, what do I do about it? How do I decide what is the best course of action, until I really understand the "why" behind my eating?

I was tasked with identifying what type of hunger I was fueling when I ate, not just tracking calories and macronutrients in a food journal, but also considering WHY I was eating at that time. It goes a long way to explaining why I'd choose a particular food.

What need am I meeting when I eat? I need to learn to ask myself before I choose something (not after, in hindsight): "What is this doing for me? What is this doing for my body? And are the answers in sync, or in opposition?"

Stomach
We can't survive without food. I suppose life would be easier if we could, because there would be no constant struggle for choice. But we need to eat. It's fuel. And when we eat to fuel our body, when we choose based on that physical need, we're feeding our stomach. The meals that are planned in advance fall into this category. The snacks that balance out the macros (protein, carbohydrates, fat) fall into this category. When I eat before and after a workout, when I eat because otherwise I'd pass out, when I eat because it's been too long since the last time I ate, I am fueling the stomach hunger.

Sometimes when you feel hungry, you may actually be thirsty. It's a sign that you're starting to become dehydrated. Drinking water on a regular basis helps to stem some hunger pangs, and if you are diligently tracking your food intake and feel like you are eating enough but still feel hungry, try some water and see if it helps. It occurred to me once, as I was feeling a tad peckish at the mall, and instead of food I bought a bottle of water. The impulse to chug it down told me I hadn't had enough water that day, and sure enough, I felt much better and no longer hungry after a few minutes. Craving crisis averted.

Heart
Most people eat on an emotional level to some extent. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about: at least three days a month the chocolate cravings kick in along with those hormones, amirite? It's a coping mechanism for stress and sadness. Emotional eating is a bit of a conditioned response. I think we often give it a negative connotation, but the emotional eating can be positive, too. Celebrations often focus around food. We socialize and bond over food. So, many comfort foods become associations with events. Thanksgiving and Christmas just wouldn't be the same without dressing (or stuffing, depending on your family's lexicon). Because of that, comfort foods are not necessarily "bad" ones, or the highly addictive foods. It's whatever you've learned to associate with feeling better. It can be cultural. It's learned. And it doesn't matter who you are, there is something that you turn to that makes you feel better when you're upset, stressed, angry, sad, or bored. Whatever that is, recognizing that you're eating to fuel your heart - your emotions - is important. It's not a bad thing, until it gets out of control or if it prevents you from dealing with your feelings and then moving on.

Head
Distinguishing between the head and the heart is hard. They intersect, overlap, and look similar in some cases. Another complication is that the head holds both the mouth and the brain. Mouth hunger is all about cravings. You want a texture, a specific taste or smell. Salty or sweet? Crunchy or creamy? You know you're not hungry because there's a fridge full of veggies but you open every cupboard looking for something that you want, something that will satisfy. That means the hunger is in your head.

But head also means the mind, and so I'm including eating disorders in this one. Because Binge Eating is not usually about an emotional response, and it's not about mouth hunger. That may be a trigger, hence then confusion. But, for me, once a true binge is triggered, it's all head from there.

I think that food addiction also falls into this category. I've been trying to research food addiction and there's a lot of information to wade through. It seems that sugar addiction is the most widely studied and acknowledged. Sugar appears to be as addictive as cocaine. On a less severe scale, food companies spend billions to perfect the balance in the sugar-fat-salt trifecta. Which is why a lot of processed food and fast food are so damn hard to resist. The more you have, the more you want. Sounds an awful lot like addiction to me.

Unpacking the real difference between cravings and addiction is the messy part. Scientists and sociologists will argue the difference between the two. The devil is in the details. For me, the important part is taking action. And if it helps me to treat cravings and binges and an eating disorder as an addiction, so be it. It's something I'll be thinking about and writing about in the next few weeks.

In the meantime, I find myself thinking more about my surroundings. Too many times, the answer to "why are you eating this? Why are you craving this?" is "well, because it's there."

Learning to be mindful about eating is part of my current process.
It comes back to the 5 W's: not just for good research, reporting, and writing!

Who do I eat with - who influences me?
What do I eat?
Where do I eat?
When do I eat?
Why do I eat?

It was only two weeks into starting this blog when a friend issued a challenge: would I join her for the next 55 days, and commit to doing something active, some kind of exercise, for at least 30 minutes, every single day? That challenge quickly got picked up among other friends on Facebook, and I used the My Gut Tells Me Facebook page to expand it further. We started out strong, with over 20 people joining in, many posting daily to share what they had done.

Few lasted the full 55 days.

What have we learned from this challenge? In short: life happens.

It's pretty hard to not miss a day here and there, even with the best of intentions. It's next to impossible not to get sick, or injured, in a 2-3 month span. If you're not sick, perhaps your children are. Or work gets in the way in an unplanned, unexpected way. I was able to complete the challenge and do something every single day, but there were three days where I had to stretch to get to the bare minimum we'd set. Life happened. It was just out of my control.

And that doesn't even begin to touch the issue of motivation. It's easy to get excited at the start. How many diets begin in earnest, only to fail after a few days? 55 days didn't seem that long, initially, but it's well past the 21 days they say it takes to form a habit. (That's a myth, by the way). What I noticed was that the people who lasted, were the people who were already pretty active on a regular basis, myself included. I knew I could tackle the challenge because I was already pretty much there. So, on those few days where I might have called them rest days, or where I'd have simply said, "this is a life-happens kind of day" I pushed myself to do a minimum of 20-30 minutes of walking just to be able to post about it. It was far more difficult for those for whom it was a bigger lifestyle change.

What worked about this challenge?

Accountability. Having people see what you were doing, knowing there was a place to post, helped. At least, it helped me. Had it been only among friends, I might have had days where I'd just explain why I couldn't do it on that day, and let it go. Administering the challenge on a group, community page put more pressure on and I knew that not completing it was not an option. I never gave myself an out.

Positive goals. The idea was to do something, not to eliminate, reduce, or NOT do something. That made it easier to push yourself because once it was done, you could post about it and be on your way. Avoiding something means you are constantly expending energy trying not to do it, as with the case of abstaining from certain foods.

Community. Not unlike accountability, there was a unity built with those who were in it, and the chance to congratulate each other on our success. It's also important to have people who will gently encourage you (no berating allowed!), or be able to give tips, advice, and support when it's needed.

Daily tracking. It is important to write down your goals, and it's important to manually track your progress. It doesn't matter whether it's a food journal, or exercise diary, whether it's online or on paper, the people who've had long term success with maintaining weight loss have tracked their daily activity.

These are the hallmarks of weight loss and fitness success.

The fact that we had these built in to the challenge, and still so many people found it hard to stick with it illustrates how hard it is to make changes to health and fitness habits, and how hard it is to do anything without little breaks in between.

Truth is, rest days and breaks are important. It shouldn't be necessary to be that active all the time. Doing intense exercise every day, even for short bursts, isn't healthy either. Too much of a good thing may be bad for you. The body needs rest. It needs to recover. But they also say that sitting is the new smoking; that is, we are built to move and stretch on a regular basis and too few of us get that kind of movement. So, it may not be necessary to sweat it out every day. I liked that this challenge included just walking, moving, cleaning, doing daily tasks to get active, every day.

If nothing else, it made a lot of us aware of the need to move around. It made us aware of how much effort it takes to make that commitment. It made me aware that I need some kind of routine in order to stick with it, but that there are loads of options for getting active, because I saw what others were doing.

If you started on the challenge, and dropped out, ask yourself why? What happened? And once you missed one day, did you feel like you couldn't re-join? This is the challenge of fitness in general. How to get back up when you stumble, how to keep going. Ultimately, life is not a game. There are no winners or losers in this. So it's always possible to start over. Even if you have to wake up each day and re-set, making it day 1. At least you'll be on your way.