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Feel the burn, feel the burnout

10/3/2014

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Ever have those days where you just want to hide from the world, where everything and everyone is annoying, when you just don't care about anything anymore? It might be burnout. Stress reaches a peak and you reach a point of exhaustion and you're in one of the stages of burnout.

Burnout is defined as “a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed and unable to meet constant demands. As the stress continues, you begin to lose the interest or motivation that led you to take on a certain role in the first place.”  Warning signs and symptoms include fatigue, lowered immune system functioning, feelings of failure and self-doubt, isolation, procrastination, and taking frustrations out on others. (Helpguide.org)

I was thinking about this yesterday as I berated myself for not getting out of bed at the crack of stupid to get in an hour of swimming, dry off, change, and THEN do an hour of personal training. See, I had planned on doing that. I had also planned on swimming Wednesday morning AND doing spin class at night. I had planned on swimming Tuesday morning AND doing Group Core and TRX Flexibility after work. I bailed on swimming every morning, in favour of more sleep, and getting some household chores done. I haven't gone climbing yet, even though I just purchased a membership at the indoor climbing gym. Despite getting at least an hour of exercise in every day this week, I still feel like a failure because my intent was to do far more.

But is it a failure, really? How much can one person do? I've cut myself some slack on this, because I've also come across a few articles this week about over-training and exercise addiction, as well as blogger burnout. Must be a sign. Life is telling me something. There isn't enough time to do all the things we want to do, let alone what we have to do, and to ignore that is to risk burning out.

Let me clarify: I'm not burnt out, right now. Not like I was at the end of the summer, just before vacation. Work and life have returned to a normal routine. Sometimes in life, you gotta just push through, knowing that the to-do list is long because everything is coming all at once, but that there is an end in sight. I know the work cycles and peak times that are likely to lead to feeling burnt out. Understanding why you're burning out, though, doesn't make it any healthier. And it certainly doesn't mean I need to add to my stress by creating unreasonable or unrealistic expectations about what I can do. After all, the effects of chronic stress on weight loss - those elevated levels of cortisol and ghrelin - are well documented.

But, you know what else can lead to feeling burnt out? Obesity, itself. Being fat in a world that expects you to be thin, and the pursuit of weight loss; each one can be stressful. Each is exhausting in their own way. Each one wears you down. Messages are relentless, and not only from the media or companies who profit from us feeling bad about ourselves. That's not being negative; acknowledging that it's something fat people have to deal with takes away some of the power of the pressure. I just need to admit that it's tiring. It's tiring fighting to live a healthy and active lifestyle when it doesn't come naturally to you. It's tiring pointing out incidences of weight stigma and fat shame, to reject the anti-obesity messages if you choose to. If you choose not to, and you work to change yourself, it's tiring making time and finding money and expending energy to work out daily and prepare food and stay on top of the extra laundry created by sweating on a regular basis. It's worth it, but it's tiring.

Feel the Burn? Feel the Burnout.

And THAT is where I've been this week. Emotionally tired. I know I've hit the point in the Fitness-Fight cycle where I'm getting close to burnout when the thoughts creep in: "What's the point? I don't care. Is it really worth it?" I used to worry about these thoughts. Now, I can recognize that they are simply part of the cycle because in a long, drawn-out effort (which "lifetime" definitely is), you're bound to get tired of it at some point. You're bound to question whether it's worth the effort. I think I was stuck in that point of the cycle for about a decade, giving up and giving in because the fight to be healthy seemed too hard. In recognizing the cycle, I no longer even need to voice those thoughts out loud.

But I still need to deal with them.

So, that's why I'm letting go of the guilt for not swimming as often as I said I would this week. Let's call it what it is: burnout prevention. I caught up on sleep. I got some cleaning done. I had time with friends, to listen and to be heard. And because of it, the melancholy "not sure it's worth the effort, I want a cheeseburger" thoughts were pretty short-lived.

The good news is that there are things that we can all do when we recognize that we are feeling burnt out:
* Remember why you chose this path. Think about what has continued to inspire your passion and energy.
* Find out who your supports are, and if they're not positive or helpful, find some who are. Avoid negative or toxic people at this time, even if you can't remove them completely from your life.
* Slow down. Take a real break. Say no to things. Cut back whatever commitments and activities you can.

It's worth taking those breaks and stepping back, to get out of that burnout point as quickly as possible. Because then you can get back into the fight, or back into routine, feeling motivated and happy again. Ignoring the thoughts and feelings of wanting to give up, of "is it really worth all this effort?" can only lead to a longer climb out of that downward spiral.

For more information about recognizing signs, prevention, and recovering from burnout, check out HelpGuide.org. The page also breaks down the differences between stress and burnout. Worth a read, because we are all affected at some point in life (several, probably) by each.

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Is the "Fantasy of Thin" holding you back?

9/26/2014

 
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What holds you back from reaching weight loss goals? Why is it easy to start diet or exercise regimens, yet so hard to maintain them? For me, part of it is because when I got close to where I thought I wanted to be, I looked around and realized that the grass was not as green on the other side as I'd expected. And that can be demoralizing. "I did all of X, Y, Z, and still A and B haven't changed?"

Following the path to happiness through weight loss. Is there any bigger fairy tale fantasy out there?

I bought in to the Fantasy of Being Thin from an early age. It's an idea I'm working hard to let go of, with some difficulty, because no matter how rational or logical I try to be about it, the idea that being thin or losing weight is the solution to all your problems is reinforced left, right, and centre. See, we're sold on the idea that life will begin when. You will be good enough, worthy enough, WHEN. When you lose enough weight. When you are thin enough. When you are strong enough, healthy enough, fit enough. So, weight loss and/or the body becomes the focus, and if that happens, you often tend to put your life on hold. Waiting. Just waiting until.

Weight Stigma is about buying the magic beans. Believing that, if you can just lose enough weight, you'll climb your beanstalk to find whatever it is you're lacking. Happiness, love, acceptance, health, money, fame, revenge. So, you work and you work, and you climb that beanstalk, and all you find is yourself, in the clouds. Without having enjoyed the view on the way up, at all.

It is a pervasive sentiment. And it's not just in the obvious places like media or industries which stand to profit from people feeling bad about themselves. It's, well, everywhere. In fact, years ago when I was in counselling - clearly talking about body image as a direct connection to low (damn near non-existent) self esteem - the therapist suggested that perhaps I would be happier if I lost some weight. Yeah. This happens in real life. The fantasy was reinforced by a professional: the key to accepting yourself is ... to change yourself? "Most healthcare providers and therapists want nothing more than to relieve suffering and enhance the health of our patients.  Both patient and provider may think the obvious solution is to try to leave the stigmatized group and try to lose weight. But participating in the illusion that weight loss is possible, desirable, and the only way to have a good life, is to perpetrate weight stigma." 

The topic of Weight Stigma and Psychotherapy was addressed as part of Weight Stigma Awareness Week. The article called "Surprises when you venture off the eating disorders island" is about how so deeply ingrained the belief is that weight loss leads to happiness, that even well-trained psychotherapists recommend it, despite evidence that such a suggestion (or judgement) has the opposite effect. In other words, the fairy tale is retold; the therapist is selling magic beans.

And, I think, buying in to this fantasy that weight loss is the solution to all of life's problems leads to self-sabotage. I mean, there are lots of reasons that we take ourselves down, when we go against what we think we really want. (It's called cognitive dissonance, and I've written about it before). Maybe it's an esteem or confidence issue, when you really think you're not good enough. But, more often, I think it's because we have internalized a message that is so ubiquitous that it is reinforced and repeated in all areas of our lives: that getting thin is the answer. What happens when you get there, or when it becomes within view, and you all of a sudden realize that it is NOT the answer to all of life's problems? It's only the answer to some health issues.

One of the best pieces I've come across that helps me to combat those kinds of suggestions, one I go back to often, is Kate Harding's post on The Fantasy of Being Thin. It's what I need to remind myself of often. It's even more honest than the generic "love your body, love yourself" message that abounds in marketing campaigns and women's magazines. She lays it on the line: focusing on weight loss as the answer to life's problems (ie: the things we don't like about ourselves) only masks those problems. 
"All of those concrete things you’ve been putting off? Just fucking do them, now, because this IS your life,
happening as we speak. But exhortations like that don’t take into account magical thinking about thinness, which I suspect  is really quite common. Because, you see, the Fantasy of Being Thin is not just about becoming small enough to be perceived as more acceptable. It is about becoming an entirely different person – one with far more courage, confidence, and luck than the fat you has. It’s not just, “When I’m thin, I’ll look good in a bathing suit”; it’s "When I’m thin, I will be the kind of person who struts down the beach in a bikini, making men weep
.”
Changing your weight in the hopes of changing your identity? Doesn't work. It's magical thinking at its beanstalk best. Or worst, really.

So, self-acceptance - acknowledging who you REALLY are, and what you REALLY want - is more than body acceptance, even though the two often intersect. And this is a hard pill to swallow. The magic beans of "change your weight, change your identity," where all your hopes are pinned on weight loss, they're much more palatable. Because, when you buy the magic beans, you don't have to examine your true self.

Picturefollow the yellow brick road to happiness?
There are some things about me that aren't going to change, no matter what size I am. Losing weight will not make me any better at math. Being thin isn't going to magically make me more creative than I already am. Gaining weight isn't going to make me any less pragmatic, or funny, or caring, or control-freak-ish. The things I like about myself? They exist at every weight. So, too, will the things I don't like about myself. Rather than putting all of my eggs into the "lose weight, feel better" basket, I'm trying to separate out the things that I can change from the things that I can't, and work on getting healthy only for the sake of health. This yellow-brick-road journey is long, but worth it.

A huge part of health and fitness, to me, is working on letting go of the idea that losing weight will somehow change you into someone you're not already, and on accepting who you are right at this moment. Frankly, it's the reason I insist on getting pictures of myself doing active, fun, adventurous things. I still don't love how I look in them, but I need the proof, the reminders, that I summited a mountain, went rock climbing, white water rafted, worked at camp, travelled the world, and I did it while being varying degrees of fat. That comes directly from having read The Fantasy of Being Thin. Not waiting until the end of my weight loss journey for my life to start.

Is something holding YOU back? What Fantasy have you bought into, that thing that you're waiting until, before you feel whole? What's at the top of your imaginary beanstalk? Because, if it's keeping you stuck where you are, it may be time to chop that thing down.

Taking ownership over your own actions and not playing the victim, it's a little bit like throwing away the magic beans, picking up a rake and a hoe, and tending to the garden you have.


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Tucked away in our subconscious minds is an idyllic vision. We see ourselves on a long, long trip that almost spans the continent. We're traveling by passenger train, and out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke pouring from a power plant, of row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of mountains and rolling hills, of biting winter and blazing summer and cavorting spring and docile fall.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. On a certain day at a certain hour we will pull into the station. There will be bands playing, and flags waving. And once we get there so many wonderful dreams will come true. So many wishes will be fulfilled and so many pieces of our lives finally will be neatly fitted together like a completed jigsaw puzzle. How restlessly we pace the aisles, damning the minutes for loitering ... waiting, waiting, waiting, for the station.

However, sooner or later we must realize there is no one station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly outdistances us.

"When we reach the station, that will be it !" we cry. Translated it means, "When I'm 18, that will be it! When I buy a new 450 SL Mercedes Benz, that will be it! When I put the last kid through college, that will be it! When I lose the last ten pounds, that will be it! When I have paid off the mortgage, that will be it! When I win a promotion, that will be it! When I reach the age of retirement, that will be it! I shall live happily ever after!"

Unfortunately, once we get it, then it disappears. The station somehow hides itself at the end of an endless track. "Relish the moment" is a good motto. It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. Rather, it is regret over yesterday or fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of today.

So, stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot oftener, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more and cry less. Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough.

It's Weight Stigma Awareness Week

9/22/2014

 
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The world of Fat Acceptance is pretty small, so something like Weight Stigma Awareness Week goes easily overlooked. But, it started today, and each day posts from bloggers will be published on various topics. Monday is all about stigma in Health Care. Tuesday is related to Psychotherapy. On Wednesday, the sticky issue of weight stigma in schools and kids' programs will be addressed. Thursday's posts will be related to fitness professionals. And on Friday, it's Nutrition Counseling settings.

It's pretty likely that if/when I find the time to write this week, it'll be related to weight stigma, fat shame, or thin privilege. In the meantime, bookmark the link to the Weight Stigma Awareness Week page, which is hosted by the Binge Eating Disorder Association, and check there daily for the live links to blogs and articles. Whether you find yourself nodding in agreement and understanding, or you think it's a load of hooey, it's worth reading some pretty educated, prolific, and opinionated pieces on the topics. Because the first step to fighting stigma is to acknowledge that bias exists and to understand how it affects us all.

Weight Stigma Awareness Week 2014
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an example of the effect of weight stigma by physicians

Scooby Doo and the Mystery of Fat Shame

8/23/2014

 
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Ruh Roh. There's a horrifying monster terrifying kids in the latest Scooby Doo movie: a fat Daphne.

In Scooby Doo! Frankencreepy, the newest movie just released, each member of the gang gets cursed. And Daphne, the supermodel-thin "pretty one" goes from a size 2 to a size 8. She doesn't grow fangs, or tentacles, or get warts in weird places. Her skin doesn't ooze or change colour. Nope. In order to make her transform into the most horrifying thing she can imagine, Warner Brothers made her fat. Size 8.

Should I even bother to point out that the average woman is a size 12 these days? Or that those of us who are truly overweight are fighting like hell to ever SEE a size 8? Or that their version of Daphne going up 4 sizes actually makes her look like a size 26? Setting aside the fact that the animators clearly have no concept of sizes, what seems to be the most problematic is Daphne's reaction to her change. She looks in the mirror and recoils in horror.

Full disclaimer: I haven't seen the movie. It was just released this week. But, in case you think "what's the big deal, it's just a direct-to-DVD kids' release" I can tell you what I know about Scooby Doo movies. They're popular. Insanely so. We are routinely pulling them for our holds list at the library, including from our holiday collection. Kids and parents don't care if they're watching a Christmas or Easter or Hallowe'en-specific version if it's the only one available. We have a lot of copies and versions and still people are hard-pressed to find a Scooby Doo on the shelf when they come in to the library, because they circulate so much. Of the 9 copies of Frankencreepy that the library has, 7 are currently out or on hold. The paperback book version of the movie is on order. It's popular. It's going to be seen.

It's going to be seen by both little girls and little boys. For the girls, it will reinforce that getting fat is just about the worst thing that can happen to you. For the boys, it will reinforce that fat girls are monsters, and that if your worst fear is to become ugly, then it means you'll be fat. Are there really no other ways in which someone could be ugly? Is fat always going to be equated with ugliness?

I was alerted to this specific example of fat shaming via the Dances With Fat blog post, Scooby Dooby Don't. She does a great breakdown of the various issues. An even better analysis is at The Good Men Project. They both point out the problems with the movie itself, and Warner Brothers' response to public outrage. (Outrage which hasn't been overly loud, but it's there in Amazon reviews, and IMDB. People noticed right away, enough that they had to issue a statement).

Not only is Warner Brothers defending the movie and claiming that they are sensitive to obesity and self image, in their statement they actually perpetuate some rather gross gender gaffes. The defense
of "but her boyfriend, Fred, doesn't even notice the difference" is meant to be charming and heart-warming. I can see how it may be, if her friends truly see her and not just her appearance. Dances With Fat offers a different interpretation:

"Another great lesson girls, if you want to know if you’re ok – ask a boy. You should always judge yourself by whether or not boys think you’re attractive. If the way you look changes substantially – even instantaneously – you should not be creeped out if that boy says that he didn’t notice.  All that matters is if he thinks you’re pretty. (Boys, girls should base their self-worth on what you think of them!)"

I don't really know what the creators were thinking, but an animated movie like this is not made by a small group of people. It had to then pass through Standards and Practices. That means that a LOT of people saw it and nobody questioned the messages that were being sent by making Daphne a caricature of morbid obesity and calling it Size 8. Nobody thought about the potential impact on their target audience, or the people buying the movie.

“Fat Daphne” is drawn like she’s Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka, like she’s puffed up like a balloon. You know, like all of those horribly misshapen size-eight freaks out there in the real world, those social outcasts who are forced to live their lives like… normal women. Like professionals and artists and aunts and sisters and mothers WHO BUY THEIR CHILDREN SCOOBY DOO DVDs. [The creators] said “How can we make Daphne into something truly ugly? How can we make her the opposite of pretty?” And their answer was… let’s make her overweight. Let’s make her look like people’s friends and sisters and moms. Let’s make her look, not like a supermodel, but rather more like a normal girl you’d see on a normal street, and then let’s have her look in a mirror and RECOIL IN HORROR, just to make sure that all the kids watching at home know that being fat makes you into a monster.

This is the sort of example of fat shaming that will get briefly discussed in small circles and then dismissed. The movie will prosper, circulate, and be purchased. It's not going to traumatize kids directly, or scare the pants off of them the way some of the monsters and villains might. No, it will have a much more passive impact. Kids and adults will see it and think little of it, because it's so in line with what we already believe: that fat is bad, and ugly is the same as being overweight, and it doesn't matter anyway as long as your boyfriend doesn't notice and still thinks you're pretty. They'll internalize it. They'll accept it. Because they already see it everywhere else, this movie just reinforces the message.

And that's the most horrifyingly scary plot line of all.

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    I'm just a girl, fighting the same weight battle as much of the population. Lost 100 lbs, working on the rest, trying to find balance between health, fitness, and vanity. I'm also a librarian who wants to share credible information and reliable resources, in addition to my own musings and reflections, what I call "my writing from the gut."

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