It's been awhile since I've spent a Sunday in the gym, "working out." Sometimes I'll go for the lane swim. I've tried the morning yoga class. But, more often, Sunday is the day that I do things with friends and it's very often active. Especially in the summer.

This weekend I tried kayaking. It had been planned for some time, but with the cold, rainy weather we've had lately, I didn't think it would happen. As it turns out, it was a great day to be outside, on a little lake, enjoying nature and one of the last days of summer weather. It couldn't have been more perfect.

It hasn't been deliberate, equating Sundays with trying new active things, or getting together with friends in fit and healthy ways. It's usually because it's the one day of the week that people have off work and are able to make plans.

But I got thinking about the spiritual side of exercise. Finding Fitness. Is it a little like finding religion? I mean, what do people get out of spirituality? They get a direction for their life, a purpose. They get strength. Sometimes they get a social group out of it, because you're with like-minded people. Most often, they get peace, a way to find an inner calm in a society of chaos.

"Working out" doesn't always do that for me. However, physical activity DOES. It's why I think it's really important to find something that you enjoy. The working out in the gym allows me to do these fun, adventurous things with people in my leisure time. On occasion, the gym IS the social aspect, or what I accomplish doing something hard or something new or something fun in a workout IS the peace or confidence I'm seeking.

And the physical strength that I build in the gym translates pretty directly to an increase in overall strength: emotionally, mentally, and - yes - spiritually. In a recent article about female bodybuilders, Dani Shugart wrote why women train, even when they're not entering competitions: "We train for mental clarity. We train because the goal of fat loss is soul-sucking, cliché, and mostly unenjoyable. We train because we'd rather look like Wonder Woman than Barbie. We train to be the type of woman nobody wants to mess with. We train to build grit. We train for habitual excellence. We train for ourselves."

I guess it really all works together. The pursuit of fitness is the purpose and direction I'm trying to base my life around, and I get a lot of the same benefits out of it that many people do by pursuing religion. It supports and enhances all other aspects of my life.

Why this never occurred to me before, I don't know. I only made the connection yesterday when, in a conversation with Mat about having to decide how much I have time to do and what I can afford to pursue, he reminded me (again), that I am not doing this for him. I don't exercise for anyone else, I do it for myself. "You find what works physically, financially, spiritually, etc." he told me.

Spiritually.
That word jumped out at me. Seemed a bit odd and out of place, but the more I think about it, the more sense it makes.

Fitness is becoming my new religion. And I can worship anywhere.

Health is all about mindset. In order to focus on being as healthy as possible, you have to remove a lot of the associated emotions, assumptions, and attitudes that go with it. Dr. Yoni Freedhoff wrote an article last week, published in the Globe and Mail, which introduced an informal term: Post-Traumatic Dieting Disorder. It's a phrase that sums up "it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change!" that is becoming more popular.

In theory, I know that to be true. What I find hard to come to terms with is that lifestyle change still feels like a diet, it's just a diet that is intended to be long term. You change your habits, but that just makes you an habitual dieter. Lifestyle change means that you're not following someone else's specific rules, you're following your own, and occasionally you can break them, but there are still rules. There are still restrictions, on amounts (portion control), on when you eat certain things (nutrient timing), on what you eliminate from your options on a regular basis (bread, pasta, icing; sugar, dairy, alcohol, gluten) - regardless of your reasoning why. Whether you tell yourself "no" because you are trying to lose weight, or because you are trying to be healthy, if you deny yourself something that you really really want, it's still a diet. If you force yourself to eat things you don't enjoy "because it's good for you" then it's still a diet.

A lifestyle should be something you not only want, but that you enjoy. Which is ultimately exactly what he says: "live the healthiest life you can honestly enjoy." My problem? I want both. I literally want to have my cake and eat it, too. I want the skinny. I want the strong. I want the icing.

So, I struggle back and forth in my head, between the better option. Is it better to keep trying for weight loss, including food denial (whether you call it "dieting" or "lifestyle change" it emotionally amounts to the same thing for me), in the hopes that the end result of some fat loss will be worth the mental anguish? Or do I focus more on body acceptance, to find a way to be okay with how I look and just appreciate how I feel and what I can do? I believe it's one or the other, frankly. And because I flip flop between which path to take, I end up going in circles, starting and stopping dieting, which is the definition of yo-yo'ing.

I don't love the term "post-traumatic dieting disorder" because I think it undermines and belittles the severity of the real thing, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. But there's no denying that for those of us who have lifelong struggles with weight fluctuations, obesity, and maintenance, some kind of acknowledgement of the toll it takes - mentally and physically - is needed. As he outlines below, it's no small thing, either.

Here, the article in its entirety: Aim for the healthiest life you can enjoy, not just tolerate

And some of the most poignant, impactful quotes:

• Dieting is predicated on suffering and humans aren’t built to suffer in perpetuity.
• Why, despite knowing better, do we blame ourselves when the nonsense fails? Could it be a case of suffering from post-traumatic dieting disorder (PTDD)? Because, really, what are modern-day diets, if not traumas? They’re generally some combination of undereating, overexercising or blind restriction. People on diets are trying to live the healthiest lives they can tolerate, rather than the healthiest lives they can enjoy.
• PTDD is not a formal diagnosis, but rather a shared constellation of symptoms: recurrent dieting has led to feelings of failure, shame, hopelessness, insecurity and sometimes even deep and abiding depression. Their body images are often worse than when they started dieting in the first place and their relationships with food are anything but healthy – in many cases they feel threatened by the very foods they love most. They can also become socially withdrawn and their personalities can change, which in turn can negatively impact their closest relationships and lead some to believe themselves unworthy of love, marriage, intimacy, health or a normal lifestyle.
• The triggers of PTDD lie not just with a person’s chosen diets, but with society as a whole and the hateful weight bias that permeates it. Whether it’s shows such as NBC’s The Biggest Loser, which teaches that scales measure not just pounds, but also success and self-worth, or whether it’s well-intentioned health professionals suggesting that unless a person reaches a particular weight their health is doomed. Celebrities’ weights are endlessly critiqued, with popular magazines shaming women, mostly, when they “pack on the pounds.”
• Society’s overarching message is that thinness is attainable if a person wants it badly enough; failure is simply a reflection of personal weakness and laziness.
• Rather than deny imperfections, we need to embrace them, and in turn dieters, instead of trying to live the healthiest lives they can tolerate, need to start cultivating the healthiest lives they can enjoy.

Several articles came out this week, all on a similar theme: balance. I subscribe to multiple news and blog feeds, and every week they put out a "best of" for articles. There's usually one or two that catch my eye. This week? There are so many it'll take me forever to post or expand on each one. They speak for themselves. So, in no particular order...


Growth Happens At our Limits: Embrace It
by Steve at Nerd Fitness
What it's about: pushing ourselves to our limits, and pushing our limits further and further, so we don't get complacent in our exercise routines. Warning: sentimental anecdotes included.
Best quote*: Growth happens at our limits, wherever they may lie. It’s how much we can become comfortable with being uncomfortable that will determine just how much we can grow.
* but there's a pretty awesome reference to Lord of the Rings, too.


6 Reasons Your Body Doesn't Look Any Different Despite "Doing Everything Right"
by Molly Galbraith
What it's about: how mindset and perspective affect the fat loss process, and why it’s not just about “the perfect meal plan” or “the best” workout program.
Best quote: And if you want to get results, the best thing to do is to stop looking around and comparing your process to that of others. Each person is uniquely different, and the faster you realize that what someone else eats has literally zero to do with what you should be eating, the closer you’ll get to your goals.


A Woman's Journey of Strength: How Lifting Changed My Life Forever
by Neghar Fonooni (via Tony Gentilcore)
What it's about: how incorporating weights and lifting into her exercise gave her a mental strength and feeling of personal power that she never experienced with yoga, running, or other activities, and how it helped her to lose weight more than anything else.
Best quote: I lifted weights initially with the intention of losing fat and transforming my body, but eventually shifted towards lifting because it was good for my soul. I was empowered, and felt truly capable of anything, for the first time in my life.


The Elegant Art of Not Giving A Shit
from raptitude.com
What it's about: exactly what the title says - how to learn to not give a shit about the petty little things that take up so much of our headspace. With surprisingly useful and direct tips.
Best quote: Giving a shit really just amounts to thinking about what happened. Giving a shit does not necessarily mean you’re doing anything useful, but it makes it seem like you are. It feels like there’s some kind of justice that you’re getting closer to with every moment you give a shit. But that’s not true, because giving a shit, by itself, is only thinking — and thinking has little use aside from figuring out what to do.


The Science of Compliance
by Mike Mastell
What it's about: why knowing the perfect diet is secondary to being able to implement it (this is aimed at trainers and coaches, but applies to anyone setting out to make lifestyle changes: how do you strike a balance?)
Best quote: If a patient will not comply with a drug because of the administration procedure, isn’t the drug essentially put on the back burner? This is the same thing happening to the “perfect diet” that someone can’t adhere to.


Nutritional Switches That Prevent You From Binging
by Jill Coleman
What it's about: generic tricks for maintaining a balanced lifestyle of eating. (It's not so much about binging, or binge eating disorder, as it is about not falling prey to all-or-nothing dieting, offering moderation tips).
Best quote: we often view moderation as “failure” and by doing so, feel the need to EITHER be 100% clean, tight and on point OR say eff it, and go ALL IN on sweets and treats. WHY can’t we give ourselves permission to have something in the middle? Something that will be *satisfying* but not ALL IN and not total deprivation? Making this choice consistently can help us stay the course and skip the extreme approaches altogether.

I've been mulling over how to write about the dichotomy between finding balance and losing weight. What I've been stuck on is the angle from which to approach the topic. Can I re-lose the weight I've put back on, and continue to lose, while still aiming for a balanced approach to health?

It doesn't feel like it. And I wasn't sure why. But I think it's because for binge eaters, there IS no balance. Just as an alcoholic can't have "just one drink", there are some foods which I can't have just a little of. There is no such thing as "just one bite" when you're not able to stop, so cheat meals or occasional indulgences don't work the way they do for most people. Which, y'know, could be fine except that I can't stop eating altogether and go "dry" to sober up.

But maybe I'm not as alone as I thought. Diet talk is everywhere. Mixed messages are everywhere. Confusion is, well, everywhere. An article I've been holding on to brought the point to the forefront: Diet talk has become inescapable. "Many of the behaviors that today’s diet books and food trends promote are straight out of the DSM Diagnostic Criteria for Eating Disorders. Preoccupation with food and eating, making excuses for not eating, elimination of large categories of food, rigid food rules and rituals, guilt and shame associated with food and eating, avoidance of social activities because of anxiety about food, isolating oneself from friends and loved ones because of dietary ideology, the list goes on. These are not normal or healthy behaviors, they are hallmarks of disordered eating, and they are PROMOTED in diet books and blogs and between friends, with distressing and escalating regularity."
She concludes that we are, as a culture, developing a collective eating disorder. What started as a desire to improve the quality of our diets has turned into a national obsession.

It makes it pretty difficult to distinguish between truly disordered eating habits, and healthy habits. Where do you draw the line? How do we recognize in ourselves or others when it has become a problem? Another recent article attempts to shed light on "the most common eating disorder you've never heard of." The problem is that they've taken the designation of Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder - which is a catch-all category used to diagnose anything other than anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder - and called it "the most common." That part doesn't make sense, but what is striking from the article are the statistics. It sheds light on how many people fall on the eating disorder spectrum. Most often, the focus is only on those who are at the farthest end.

Consider some of these statistics:

• One in 68 adults will develop clinical anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder, but at least one in 20 have demonstrated symptoms of these disorders.
• 74.5 percent of women said concerns related to shape and weight interfered with their happiness.
• In one study on adolescent boys and young men, 17.9 percent reported becoming “extremely concerned” with their weight and physique by adulthood.
• One in 20 adults exhibits symptoms of an eating disorder, and the prevalence of dieting and disordered eating behaviors among male and female young adults is particularly high.
• Among women ages 25 to 45 without a history of anorexia nervosa or binge eating, 31 percent reported having purged as a means of weight control.

Dieting and poor body image don't mean you have an eating disorder. But your behaviour doesn't have to be extreme in order to have one, either. The best way to consider whether there's a problem to address is to ask whether your relationship with food, shape, and weight is truly interfering with your life. Ultimately “the main feature that cuts across all eating disorders… is feeling like your shape and weight is one of the most important factors that determines how worthwhile you are as a person,” Dr. Thomas says.

When I lived out west, I met the clinical criteria for Binge Eating Disorder: "eating much more rapidly than normal; eating until feeling uncomfortably full; eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry; eating alone because of being embarrassed by how much one is eating; feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or very guilty after overeating; a sense of lack of control over eating during the episode; at least two days a week for six months."

I no longer meet that criteria. The work I've been doing, on my own, with Mat, with doctors, by blogging, has helped tremendously. But I will probably always call myself a binge eater. I don't know what "recovery" looks like, or if there is such a thing. I really do think of it in terms of an alcoholic. It's always going to be there, under the surface. As evidenced by this weekend's near-binge, moments of relapse can happen without warning, at times that aren't obvious. That's kind of scary to me.

Which brings me back to my conundrum. All-or-nothing thinking is a big part of the problem that got me into this mess in the first place. If I can't be perfect at eating all the time, why bother? If I mess up a diet, then I give in and go overboard the other way. If I'm not good at an activity right away, then I must not be able to do it at all. You see where I'm going with this? All-or-Nothing is the hallmark of a lot of eating disorders. That's why I'm striving for balance. And, yet, I'm not sure that balance is really, truly, possible when it comes to eating. There ARE whole categories of foods I have to mentally eliminate and take off the table. I DO need to track what I'm eating and weigh myself and account for it all. There still is fear, for me, around food: there's something "bad" about everything, so nothing feels "safe"! And certain foods will likely always be triggers. Not exactly the definition of balanced.

It tells me that there's still a long way to go. But also that it's possible and there is hope, even if that hope is to inch along the spectrum back towards the middle. I think I believed that I could jump from one end to the other - all-or-nothing - and that it could be like flicking a switch. Make the lifestyle changes, lose weight, get into shape, you're done, move on. It's not like that, at all. I don't know why I thought it would be. Like much of the population, I'm living in the grey areas, the always moving grey areas between the ends of the disordered eating spectrum.

When 1 out of 20 are also living there, at least I know I'm in good company.

Sorting and sifting through the mountain of information about nutrition can be overwhelming. There are so many conflicting opinions, so many interpretations of data. It's why most of my posts are about feelings and personal experiences. It takes me much, much longer to write about anything factual because I don't want to be wrong.

After awhile, you start to notice patterns, though. Look at enough "diets" or dieting articles and there are things they all have in common. These, for me, become the basis for universal truths. Vegetables are good, no matter what. The fewer ingredients on a label, the better, so any whole food in its raw form is the best choice. Processed and packaged food is the lesser choice. Sugar is evil. Water is essential. And, no matter how hard I've looked, there is no diet that supports alcohol consumption. Trust me; I've looked.

It's in the details that the confusion lies. Good fats, bad fats. Low-carb, no-carb, what-the-heck-IS-a-carb? Gluten and wheat. Nutrient timing and when to eat and how much. These are the minutiae that get discussed and debated and from which the confusion stems. It's overwhelming.

So, for the average person (like me; presumably like you) who just wants to eat in a healthy and balanced way to maintain a weight they're happy with, without feeling deprived or restricted, having guidelines instead of rules is the way to go.

This article sums up nicely the basic truths that do seem to come up over and over again, certainly in the more reputable and evidence-based sources, and even in the lifestyle-magazine articles that will promise that you can tone your tummy in 30 days or lose 12 lbs in one week. Even the questionable sources seem to agree on these 11 basic premises. (Click the article link and check out the details behind each one for more thorough explanations).

Nutrition Truths That Everyone Agrees On

1. Artificial Trans Fats Are Extremely Unhealthy
Trans fats are man-made fats, made by “hydrogenating” polyunsaturated vegetable oils. These fats can cause severe harmful effects on metabolism and contribute to many diseases.

2. Whole Foods Are Better Than Processed Foods
Whole foods are much healthier than processed foods, which tend to be low in nutrients, high in harmful ingredients and designed to drive overconsumption.

3. Getting Enough Omega-3 Fatty Acids is Important
Omega-3 fatty acids are very important. They function as structural molecules in the brain and play key roles in important cellular processes.

4. Added Sugar is Unhealthy
Most experts agree that sugar is harmful and that people are eating too much of it. There is mounting evidence that sugar may be partly responsible for many chronic, Western diseases.

5. Green Tea is a Healthy Beverage
Although coffee and caffeine in general are controversial, most people agree that green tea is healthy. It is loaded with antioxidants and has led to major health benefits in many studies.

6. Refined Carbohydrates Should be Minimized
Although carbs are controversial, almost everyone agrees that whole, unrefined sources are much healthier than their refined counterparts.

7. Vegetables Are Healthy Foods
Vegetables are low in calories, but very high in micronutrients, antioxidants and fiber. Many studies show that vegetable consumption is associated with good health.

8. Supplements Can Not Compensate For an Unhealthy Diet
Whole foods are incredibly complex and contain thousands of trace nutrients, many of which science has yet to uncover. No amount of supplements can replace all the nutrients found in whole foods.

9. Olive Oil is Super Healthy
Extra virgin olive oil is high in healthy monounsaturated fats and loaded with powerful bioactive antioxidants, many of which have anti-inflammatory effects and protect against heart disease.

10. Optimal Health Goes Beyond Just Nutrition
There are many aspects besides nutrition that are just as important for overall health. This includes exercise, managing stress levels and getting adequate sleep.

11. The Best Diet (or “Way of Eating”) For YOU is The One You Can Stick to
There is a lot of debate about the different diets. There are the paleo folks, the low-carbers, the vegans, the balanced diet folks and everything in between. But the truth is… all of these approaches can work. The problem is not which diet (or way of eating) is “best,” the key is finding something that is sustainable for each individual. Losing weight and improving health is a marathon, not a race. What matters in the long run is finding something that is healthy, that you like and can live with for the rest of your life.


It's not in the knowing, it's in the doing.

The folks at Precision Nutrition have done it again: taken a complex topic and explained it thoroughly both in an article and in a handy infographic.

The full article can be found at http://www.precisionnutrition.com/workout-nutrition-explained. As always, I favour those who offer balanced and sensible advice, and the PN staff deliver. Not only do they break it down by body type ('cuz we're not all exactly alike, after all), there is also an acknowledgement in the article that for many people there is no need for the complex and confusing detail behind nutrient timing. First, figure out your specific goals, and THEN work your nutrition around it.

What's the point of life? I mean, what makes a fulfilling life? I lamented yesterday that sometimes I feel like my biggest accomplishment is going to be losing weight. So far, it's the thing that seems to have gotten the most attention. In reflecting on what's really important, I keep coming back to this piece that came across my "thought for the day" camp files, way back before the Internet when people emailed these things or <gulp> photocopied and passed them around in the dark ages before the World Wide Web.

Maybe it stuck with me so profoundly because I read it as a teen, at a time when I desperately needed to hear the message. Maybe it's just the easiest way for me to live, because it measures success by something over which we have total control, all the time.

Life's about how you treat people. For me, it's as simple as that.

And it has nothing to do with the scale.

What's it all about?

Life isn’t about keeping score. It’s not about how many friends you have, or how many people call you. Or how accepted you are. Not about if you have plans this weekend, or if you’re alone. It isn’t about who you’re dating, who you used to date, how many people you’ve dated, or if you haven’t been with anyone at all. It isn’t about who you have kissed. It is not about sex. It isn’t about who your family is, or how much money they have. Or what kind of car you drive, or where you are sent to school. It’s not about how beautiful or ugly you are. Or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on, or what kind of music you listen to. It’s not about if your hair is blonde, red, black, brown, or green. Or if your skin is too light or too dark. Not about what grades you get, how smart you are, how smart everyone else thinks you are, or how smart standardized tests say you are. Or if this teacher likes you, or if this guy/girl likes you. Or what clubs you’re in, or how good you are at “your” sport. It’s not about representing your whole being on a piece of paper and seeing who will accept the written you.

Life.  just.  isn’t.

But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It’s about who you make happy or unhappy purposefully. It’s about keeping or betraying trust. It’s about friendship, used as a sanctity or a weapon. It’s about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful, maybe heartening. About starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip. It’s about what judgements you pass and why. And who your judgements are spread to. It’s about who you’ve ignored with full control and intention. It’s about jealousy, fear, ignorance, and revenge. It’s about carrying inner hate and love, letting it grow and spreading it. But most of all, it’s about using your life to touch or poison other people’s hearts in such a way that could have never occurred alone.

Only you choose the way those hearts are affected.
We are just too powerful in life sometimes.

The weight loss battle can be very lonely. It's you versus yourself. Sure, you build up your army of support warriors: the people who hold you accountable, the ones who work out with you, the coaches and trainers and instructors and friends. But, at the end of the day, it all comes down to you. Nobody can do it for you. Nobody can make you do it. And sometimes the people you rely on to get you through have battles of their own and aren't there right when you need them to be. You face your enemy alone.

It is in these moments that you have to decide how badly you want it. When it would be easy, so very very easy, to give yourself any excuse to give up and quit. To stop fighting. To concede defeat.

I'm at such a point, myself. Where life is testing me, seeming to throw one thing after another after another in the way. I want to lay down my sword and rest. But there are no guards at the door, no defense line left. And the enemy is attacking.

My enemy is Control. Well, a lack of control over myself or the changes happening around me, to be specific. When I have a say in the decision, whether the change is positive or negative, I find it easier to deal with than when I have no control at all. It's not always about change or choices, it's just life happening and stuff you need to deal with, and it all comes at once. And when it's one thing, I can usually take it in stride. Two things? I get stressed, but it's not visible. (Exercise often helps). Three? I get tense, you can tell, but I cope. When it feels like too many things changing, or too much is out of control, when life bombards me with capital-T "TOO MUCH" from every direction, so that there's no safe place, no sanctuary - then I start to revert back to old habits. The ones which were in lieu of healthy coping mechanisms. Binge eating. Drinking to relax. Sleeping as avoidance technique. Shutting down completely. Playing the victim, rolling over, and letting the enemy run me through instead of fighting, my old habits made me the expendable character with no name who died in the first scene. Mixing my cultural references, I was the Star Trek Red Shirt in my own life.

I don't want to play the victim.
I want to be the hero in my own story.

It's why I talk so much about strength, and use imagery of warriors, fighters, superheroes and ninjas. The bad-asses of storytelling. This journey often feels like a fight, an ongoing war, where you win some battles, and some you lose, but you hope to come out stronger and victorious in the end. Physical strength grows emotional strength. And that new-found mental strength has gotten me through a lot in the last few years.

Perhaps that's why I'm being challenged, now. I may have gotten too comfortable, too complacent, relying on my army. Life is forcing me to answer the question: "how badly do you want this?"

When I have regular classes I attend at the Y, and all my personal training sessions booked, and life at work and at home is under enough control that I take the time to plan meals and write down what I'm eating in my food journal, it's much easier to deal with all the other little things that crop up. As more got piled on my plate recently (figuratively, not literally), it was the food journal that was the first thing to go. Some sleep was forfeited, as more obligations piled on. But, no matter what's been going on at work or in my personal life, I've been able keep my workout schedule as a priority. My big rocks. Now? I may be in a position where it's not possible to make all the classes I've grown fond of, or to make it to classes at all. (The short version is an aging parent with a broken arm/shoulder, and I'm not sure how much assistance she will need over the next 6 weeks, and that's just one of the last straws on top of a very large pile that has been building).

I have to ask myself how badly do I want this, the health and strength?

This is life's test. I've been metaphorically squatting with a bar on my shoulders for quite some time, weight added bit by bit. There's a fine line between when the weight is too much and your knees buckle and the whole thing crashes down on you ... or you summon all the strength you have and you push from your heels to lift that weight and get a personal best. I have no way of knowing when I'll break, and when it's making me stronger.

Kinda feels like the breaking point is coming. Maybe it already has.

But what I mean by being challenged is that this is where I put my money where my mouth is. Will I still workout when it's not easy, when it's late at night and past all the classes, when nobody is around and there's no motivation, no accountability, no personal trainer planning a program? Can I really do it on my own? Will I let a lot of legitimate reasons become excuses, or will I find a way to keep my health a priority? Can I stop the spiral of emotional eating and keep to clean, whole foods (no sugar! no chemicals! no processed crap!), even when under pressure? (The Ghrelin Gremlins are part of my enemy's army, and they seem to be multiplying).

This perhaps sounds melodramatic, and maybe half the problem is that I see fitness and weight loss as a fight in the first place. My goal is to make it so much a part of my lifestyle that it's just a natural habit that I don't even think about. I was almost there. I think that regardless of how much stress you're under in life on a regular basis, there always comes a period when it gets to be too much. (Knowing that everyone goes through it doesn't necessarily help when you're in the thick of it, but it keeps things in perspective). And the rational part of my brain accepts the oxygen mask on the airplane analogy, that you have to take care of yourself first in order to take care of others. Still, it feels so selfish. It's pretty hard to justify putting yourself first when so much else is needed of you.

I don't know what the answer is. Parents everywhere face this problem daily. I have been pretty lucky, spoiled even, to have had the luxury of making exercise a priority and fitting it into my schedule easily. And, despite reverting back to emotional eating lately, I haven't had the additional hurdle of having to accommodate other people's nutrition or eating habits.

Yet, the war rages on around me.
It's a war for control.

No matter what form the enemy at the door takes, I have to remember that the only weapon I've ever truly had has been my response to it. I can't control when people get sick (myself included). I can't control when training gets cancelled. I can't control when the landlord needs entry or when they decide to do (unwanted) renovations. I can't control changes at work. I can't control what is needed to be done. I can't even control my emotional response to it all (the tears will come, unbidden, at the worst possible time; so does the beet-red blushing). The only thing I can control are my actions. My response is my weapon.

Time to sharpen the sword and get ready.
This hero has to defend herself.