My Gut Tells Me
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Trusting that gut feeling

10/31/2014

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A lot has been written about Jian Ghomeshi this week. About his being fired from CBC and the ensuing lawsuit, and rather gross spin-doctor reasons for it. About BDSM, and the nuances (I refuse to say "grey areas") between that community and his warped concept of it. About whether people knew, and when, what kind of guy he was. Most importantly, there has been much discussion about his victims and accusers, the 9 women who have come forth with allegations against him.

This is a departure from the usual weight and fitness "gut"-related post. But sometimes topics come up that feel too big to let slip by without a response. I first heard about the dismissal and lawsuit from Jian's Facebook post itself, and while I knew that something didn't add up, like many others I took a wait-and-see approach, thinking it was balanced and fair to do so. Should have listened to my gut: I applaud the people who immediately said "I believe the women." There are a lot of angles from which to approach this ugly situation, but for this blog, it's about instinct. Literally, about trusting your gut - and whether it's even possible, with guys like Ghomeshi.

I have seen some thoughtful and insightful opinions expressed, and up until I read a response by my friend Jenny Ryan, the most widely relevant ones (to me) were about believing victims when they speak up. Jenny's resonated in a big way. Perhaps it's because I know her in real life. Close in age, we shared an office and a computer in a branch of Saskatoon Public Library, and she was a professional mentor to me in my first librarian gig. She also helped me to navigate being a Southern-Ontario girl in a prairie-town world.

Originally posted on her Facebook page, Jenny has since started a Tumblr account to satisfy her friends' demand to make her piece shareable. She agreed that I could post it here, as well: 


In 2007 I was flown to Toronto and I spent the day at CBC radio participating in Canada Writes. Jian Ghomeshi was the host. There was a party for the participants afterwards and I broke away from the group and wandered around the building until I found Jian's office. I went in. We were alone, and the office was big and impressive. He made some smarmy but mostly laughable comments about hanging out, and he seemed so cheesy; it didn't seem possible that someone so successful and confident would be so bad at hitting on women. "This is not a predator, but this is man who thinks he knows how to charm," I thought. I was uncomfortable, but what made me uncomfortable wasn't that he was aggressive or scary, it was that he was such a lame flirt. It was funny. It was charming. He seemed overly-confident and kind of lame, and I felt like I was actually cooler, more in control. I felt like I had the power.

I went back to Saskatoon, and Jian and I became Facebook friends. There was a lot of flirty back and forth. I had a blog, and I wrote a lot of posts about how he wanted to date me. He found the blog, he made comments there, too. He said he hoped we'd see another again soon. My friends were freaking out. There were jokes about how he'd be my boyfriend, about how I should date him, about how Moxy Fruvous would play at my wedding. I actually began to think about this like it could really happen. It was exciting.

A month later it was Christmastime and I was due to go home to see my parents. I was going to be in Toronto, and I sent Jian a Facebook message about meeting up. He seemed interested. But I was dating this new guy and I really liked him so I didn't push to see Jian and it never happened, because really, it seemed crazy. It was just a fantasy. But there were times over the next few months when things with my new boyfriend seemed hard, or boring, or unhappy, and I would actually think about Jian, about how I had this chance with him, and I'd wonder, "Would I be happier if I'd actually pushed to see him at Christmas? Where might we be now? Did I miss out a great adventure?"

And then years and years passed and that new boyfriend and I moved in together and had a baby and I kind of forgot about my flirtations with Jian Ghomeshi. But now that all this stuff about him is coming to light I am thinking about it again. People have been asking me about my experiences, and how I feel about it all now.

I feel lucky. I feel duped. I feel sad. I feel embarrassed. I wanted something to happen with him so badly -- for notoriety, for a story, for fun. And because I honestly liked him. And because of who he was and who he represented and my friends were hoping for it, too."It would have made for such a story!" we thought. If only we knew what the story might have been.

Now people are saying women should have known something was amiss with him because he had cheesy pick up lines and a creepy-flirty face, because he leaned in heavily and pushed into women's spaces, because he didn't respect boundaries. I noticed ALL of that, and I chalked it up to awkwardness, to someone who didn't know how to flirt. To someone who thought he was charming, but was actually smarmy, and I laughed about it, I made fun of it, and all the while I was also kind of into it because it seemed like maybe the kind of aggressive you can work with. He seemed like he was posturing -- like it was all bark and no bite, and I didn't feel threatened at all, only slightly put off by his obvious flirting. And yet it was titillating, of course it was. So I feel ashamed, and also angry, that I was in the line of fire and I never noticed.

So now we're all talking about Jian Ghomeshi -- what we knew, what we heard, what he did to women. It's as though we all have these little puzzle pieces. Some women have really significant pieces, and some like me have those little middle pieces that kind of don't mean anything until you get all the big pieces in place. The edges go down first, then the middle starts to form, and we all put our pieces in and then suddenly you see the puzzle for what it really is.

So now we're all talking about Jian Ghomeshi -- but Jian is not the only man who does this: who charms, who flirts, who flatters, who woos you in to a safe place and then hurts you. He is famous, so we know about him, but how many other missed chances have I had? I am now doing an inventory, I am thinking back to every man who gave me a number, brushed my arm, smiled at me and said, "We should hang out." Flirty, charming, aggressive, seductive, flattering men, with danger in their eyes that translates as thrilling in the right light. I might have dated them all. I might date them still. But suddenly that is far less exciting to think about.

It is so easy to let the danger in.

Being safe and dating smart and protecting myself has never seemed as murky and impossible as it does right now. This is serious, and this is scary, and this is about more than Jian Ghomeshi: How many lucky chances does a woman get?

How many chances should a woman need?

There are more questions than answers, and whether Jian Ghomeshi is legally or socially guilty of abuse is not one I'm going to touch. Other questions being asked are "why didn't more women
report him?" and "how could they not have known?" Those, I won't get into either, because to do so not only puts the 1 out of 4 women who experience sexual violence and abuse in their lifetime into a marginalized position, it keeps all women as potential victims. When it is this prevalant, they are not victims. These women are accusers. Voices. Humans. They are also intelligent, talented, strong women whose guts didn't warn them of possible danger, or else their heads and hearts overrode their gut instincts because that's what polite girls have been taught to do.

Jenny's account, paired with the most recent ninth woman to speak out against him, explain why the gut instinct is not foolproof. His actions were normal. Creepy, awkward, and uncomfortable, but certainly not reportable. Until all of a sudden ... they were. Not every abuser wears a sign on his (or her) forehead broadcasting their proclivities, and what most accounts have in common is that he was not immediately or always violent with the women; something kicked in and in an instant he changed. He crossed the line with many women, but he crossed at different places. How do we, as women, arm ourselves against that? What recourse can one possibly have when, after already feeling violated, the process of reporting and seeking justice will likely violate you further?

Unfortunately, there is no law against "a gut feeling." As Reva Seth explains in her recounting of her encounter with Jian, "
So why didn't I do anything? I didn't do anything because it didn't seem like there was anything to do. Most of my girlfriends had a story about an uncomfortable, sleazy, angry or even scary encounter with a guy. No one really did anything other than avoid them and tell their girlfriends to also stay away. And that's what I did." 

The "gut" feeling is the part of the story that lives between the black and the white. The feeling that 'something isn't quite right here' lies between the hard facts. Sometimes your gut instinct kicks in and gives you protection, but not always. Once you've learned not to trust your gut, it's hard to go back. Just as I am unable to listen to my body with intuitive eating, to know when I'm hungry or full, many women have absorbed cultural messages which have eroded the ability to pay close attention to an instinct. Being too nice, too polite, too reluctant to hurt someone's feelings can put you in a dangerously precarious situation.

One commenter on Jenny's post noted that "
they say women don't go with their gut instinct in these cases because they don't want to appear rude, and that's exactly what happened to me." She noted that she found herself on a date with someone she never really liked, and who attempted to force himself on her in a park.

Seems like everyone's got an almost, might-have-been, got lucky story. As Jenny asks, how many times does a woman get lucky before she ends up in a situation like Jian's accusers found themselves in? And will they be supported and believed when they do?

What had been nagging at me, until reading Jenny's story, was why this felt like a much bigger deal than the usual celebrity scandals - even the grossest and ugliest of them. It was about more than letting a familiar personality into homes, cars, and earbuds and then feeling betrayed by their personal life. It was about more than a beloved cultural institution, the CBC, being tainted. This scandal hits close to home and is so very real because of how accessible Jian is, or was. People I know personally interacted with him, dated him. He was easy to meet. I mean, our library hosted him on his book tour, at Word on the Street, and he was on the cover of one of our quarterly magazines.

Ultimately, Jenny nails the real reason we're taking this so hard: because he is not the only man who does this. He is rather normal in his creepy aggressiveness. How do you protect yourself against that? She is safe, nothing bad happened to her, and still she is nagged by the "what might have happened?" If Jian represents the possibility of what might be lurking in the murky waters of the dating pool, then we are all vulnerable. There's no gut instinct to protect against that, and I think that's what we're looking for. A way to say, "but if I do x, then y won't happen to me."

The real reason so many of us can't tear ourselves from this story is because it goes far beyond Jian Ghomeshi - and his story is big enough - and it speaks to individual fears, and a widespread problem of women being afraid to come forward.

We look for lessons in scandals like this. It's a coping strategy. The obvious lesson is that we need to make it safe for people to speak up. The lesson I'm looking for is "how do I keep this from happening to me, to friends, to loved ones?" I want there to be a clear answer about how you can trust your gut to keep you safe.

My gut tells me that you can't, always. And that is a gut-churning feeling.

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Lean, mean, mini meatloaf

10/26/2014

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Sunday dinner is often held around my parents' kitchen table. It's the routine day of the week that I go over to visit and catch up, and it's when my mom uses my dad and I as guinea pigs for new recipes that she wants to try out. They're always good, but sometimes she lands on one that is so tasty AND healthy that I think "hmmm, maybe even *I* would consider making that!"

The mini meat loaves that she served were just such an example. From this month's issue of Canadian Living, her go-to source for reliable recipes, they were tasty, healthy, and will be easy to re-heat the leftovers. She did them in muffin tins (lined with parchment paper, because barbeque sauce sticks like nothing else). The recipe says it makes 8 but when portioned out into the muffin tray it made 12 smaller ones, and left enough room for the sauce on top to not boil over. We found that a fair bit of liquid cooked out, more likely from the carrots and zucchini than from the lean meat itself. In the debrief around the table, mom and dad felt that it needed more kick, more spice or flavour to it, and I thought that the recipe could be tried with ground turkey just as readily as the lean ground beef.

For a meat-and-potatoes family, this could be a new standard meal. The mashed potatoes were half white, half sweet potato, and pretty basic veggies were served along side. In other words, it would be a versatile go-to, and with the vegetables and bran (yay, fibre!) included in the meat loaves themselves, it's about as balanced as you get.

My gut tells me this one's a keeper.

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What are you really afraid of?

10/23/2014

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Fear.

I've been thinking a lot about the nature of fear, since going to the Canada's Wonderland Hallowe'en Haunt on the weekend. I'd been working on a blog post about how fear in fitness can hold you back, about the difference between fear-for-fun, frivolous fear, and being afraid of things that can really happen. Comparing zombies and clowns to climbing, falling, and failing.

And then Wednesday in Ottawa happened.

The perspective on fear changed, a little. But only a very little.
It now seems even more important to face fears head-on and acknowledge that they primarily exist when there is a void of hope and trust.

Let me back up and start from the beginning: Canada's Wonderland on the weekend, in all its Hallowe'en themed after-dark creepiness. I don't get spooked easily. The outward demonstrations of fear that lots of people have - screaming, jumping, grabbing on to things, pushing past people when running away to safety - I don't seem to have these reactions when watching scary movies or walking through Hallowe'en-style "haunted" attractions. It's not like I'm actively trying to be brave or hold myself together, it really just doesn't phase me. I get that for lots of people it's fun to be scared that way. For me, the fun is in noticing the details put in to the sets, or being transported to an imaginary place. But the blood, clowns, zombies, vampires and axe-wielding asylum patients don't scare me.

Because they're not real. And on every level, my psyche knows it.

There are enough things in this world to truly be afraid of. The things that go bump in the night seem trivial in comparison.

One of the friends I was with said, "You need to let go a little, let yourself get scared. Get into it. Have fun!" I thought I was having fun! It simply didn't look the same as how they were having fun. And part of that was because I respond to discomfort with laughter and humour. When one of the costumed characters attached themselves to me, following closely behind me through their portion of the maze-like Louisiana swamp attraction, I knew they were there, and eventually turned around to my group and joked, "look! I made a friend!" Another one made me pause because she yelled "you're being rude!" and I almost turned around to say "oh my gosh, I'm so sorry" (I felt bad!) - until it registered that she was saying "you're being rude for leaving us!" and it was just part of the attraction. Many of the players whose job it was to jump out from behind corners or from the nooks and crannies backed off quickly when I looked them in the eye and smiled. It was my knee-jerk reaction to do that. Habit, I guess.

I literally looked "fear" in the eye and killed it with kindness.

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But that's not to say that I'm not afraid of anything. Far from it. Fear comes up a lot when talking about fitness and weight loss. Usually, it's in terms of how fear can hold you back. How it holds ME back from a lot of things related to physical fitness. Most times, when it comes to motivation and weight loss or strength gains, fear is something to be conquered. Faced. Beaten.

I started to really make the connection and think about fear during one of the shows that we stopped to see at the Hallowe'en Haunt, at Wonderland. Called "Toxicity" it was a half-hour performance of physical prowess, done on a dystopian set of green lights and toxic waste garbage cans. Dancers and gymnasts put on a great show, but I was in awe of the complete control they had over every muscle in their body. There was beauty in it, even in the contortionist who managed to get shoulders and elbows going in directions that felt inhuman. As I watched the athletes fly through the air and land on their feet, I was apprehensive. Like watching figure skaters stick the landing, hoping they don't fall, I realized that for me fear has a lot to do with what MIGHT happen. Injury. Pain. Death.

In other words, I am afraid of things that could realistically happen, because they have in the past, but they probably won't happen. I'm afraid only of the possibilities that I believe in.

The previous night I had walked home, alone, from an Oktoberfest venue. No fear. I was in a familiar area, the neighbourhood I'd grown up in, and I felt completely safe despite the very late hour. It could have been a rational response to watch behind me or be anxious as I walked down a quiet street, but since nothing has ever happened to me directly, to people close to me, or in that area, I was not afraid. Apparently, I feel like I can handle myself and strangers don't frighten me! I trust in my ability to deal with that kind of situation and moreover I trust in the inherent goodness of people. On the other hand, I don't trust my body. Which is why fear and anxiety had kicked in earlier that morning when I was at the rock climbing gym. It may have had something to do with being tired and dehydrated from the Saturday night Oktoberfesting, but climbing on Sunday morning wasn't stellar because I was shaky from nerves. Would get half way up a climb and then stop, feeling the need to come back down. I didn't trust my feet or my arms to keep me safe.

Fear comes down to trust, and hope. The things we fear are usually related to what has happened in the past, and it's a reaction to what we know could happen, no matter how unlikely. Fear is formed by the story we tell ourselves, and an absence of hope or trust.

As I watched the performers on Sunday evening, then, I was thinking back to the morning's climbing and realized that I am also afraid of potential. It was simply amazing, what these people had conditioned their bodies to do, through years of dedicated practice, and I feared that I have - that we ALL have - that kind of potential. And I'm not living up to it.

That's a rather terrifying thought.
If I could be more, do more - why am I not?

Later that evening, as we lined up for the first of the roller coaster rides (the Leviathan), anxiety kicked in again. It wasn't a fear of heights or speed or imminent death. It was whether I would fit in to the ride at all. See, the last time I had been to Canada's Wonderland was in 2005, and I had sat in a roller coaster for which they could not lock the safety bar over my belly, and I had to get off the ride. In front of my friends, in front of a long line of strangers. It was humiliating, and I was remembering that feeling as I looked around to see if anyone as large, or bigger, than me was on the ride. I held my breath as they pushed the safety bar down and it locked into place. Only then did I allow myself to think about the ride that was to come, and by then it was too late: we were on our way to a vertical drop that had us flying out of our seats! I remembered why I don't love roller coasters, at that point. Some things are not simply mind-over-matter and as much as I want to be a thrill-seeking ride lover, my motion-sick stomach says otherwise. I only did 3 rides before saying "I think I better stay on the ground, or the car ride home won't be pretty." But I was able to get past the fear of fitting in to the seats.

Rational versus irrational fear. We're afraid of what could happen, what might happen, and that's okay - as long as it doesn't hold us back. It was fear that kept me from jumping up on to a tire. It was fear that stopped me from climbing to the top of the wall. It was fear of not fitting in to a ride seat that kept me from going back to the amusement park for nearly a decade.

And it will be fear which will direct our collective responses in the coming weeks and months, in Canada. Parliament was breached. A soldier was killed. There is reasonable and rational fear now, where before there wasn't. Terror hadn't been front and centre for most Canadians because it hadn't happened in this way on home soil until now. But the actions of a few shouldn't keep the masses from living our lives to the fullest potential. Let's remember that the response to the shooting was swift and that things happened exactly the way they were supposed to.

Every day, in every way, we have to face fears - whatever they may be. The best way to do it is to be prepared, but not paralyzed. Look for the beauty in the grotesque. Find the humour in the madness. See the good behind the bad. Find hope. Trust in ourselves and in others. In fitness, that means that I'll continue conditioning myself and strengthening my muscles, so that each time I climb or each time I jump, I can reduce the fear of pain and injury just a little bit. And the more I lessen the fear, the further I will be able to push myself, so that maybe some day I can reach the potential that we all have.

Because letting the fear win is the most terrifying thing of all.

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Clean Eating 101

10/16/2014

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I mention "clean eating" a lot, and while I don't consistently practice what I preach, it's always the goal in the back of my mind. Particularly with processed foods, and pre-packaged prepared foods. The fewer ingredients, the better, especially when it comes to chemicals on that list. If I'm not tracking food and counting calories, these are the easiest "rules" to remember.

Posting this infographic as much for a reminder to myself, as anyone else.
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Back to the basics: oatmeal for breakfast

10/12/2014

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As a step towards getting back on track and doing a food re-set, I've had oatmeal for breakfast most days this week. Introducing foods-with-benefits back in to my diet, rather than focusing on eliminating or restricting my eating, should help with more than just my gut. It ought to help my mindset as well, and so far it has.

Oatmeal, or porridge, with nothing added but cinnamon. It works on a few levels:

1) I'm having breakfast, period. There was a time when I never ate breakfast. Like, ever. I don't know why. Sometimes I'd feel I wasn't hungry. Mostly it was that I chose to sleep until the last possible minute and wouldn't leave time to make or even buy anything. Once I started the weight loss journey and kept reading that people who successfully lose weight have a few things in common, one of them being that they always eat breakfast, I began to try that habit. Sometimes I'd have yogurt, or an apple with peanut butter. Fruit. Oatmeal was a go-to as well. Lately, I'd gotten out of the habit of consistently eating breakfast because I got overwhelmed at having to figure out what to eat before and after a workout. Peanut butter is a fat, and you're not supposed to consume fats for a few hours before working out. So, peanut butter became "bad" in my mind.
Dairy is inflammatory, so cut back on yogurt, especially if you're about to do cardio, because who wants to be the girl who pukes in the pool? I reverted back to the habit of no breakfast at all, which left me hungrier by lunch, or consuming most of my calories at night.

2) Clean eating. Oatmeal is the epitome of "clean eating" if your definition is that nothing artificial is added, and you're eating single-ingredient meals. Can't get much cleaner than "rolled oats" as the ingredient list. I don't add the salt that they recommend putting in the water. I don't add sugar or milk or even fruit on top. I only add cinnamon for flavour. Pretty darn clean.

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3) Slow-burning complex carbohydrate. Carbs get a bad rap, but the complex ones are the best option for fuel, which your body needs in order to function. Oatmeal, as a whole grain, is more than just a source of fibre. Because it's a slow burn, it provides energy for longer. There is a reason that it was my choice on the morning of the BadAss Dash. And it's almost noon before I start feeling peckish at work, when I start with a hearty bowl of oatmeal. With fruit, or yogurt, I start my day off well but I need a snack mid-morning to keep me going. Feeling fuller, longer, is a benefit on days when I know I won't get the option of having a snack. There's nothing worse than having a rumbly tummy in the middle of Story Time, or not being able to focus during a meeting.

4) Cinnamon comes with its own benefits. Admittedly, I add the cinnamon to combat the bland taste of porridge, but it's strategic, too. It helps to regulate blood sugar levels, and the one drawback to oatmeal is that it is a carbohydrate, which gets converted into glucose. Cinnamon slows the rate at which the stomach empties after meals, so pairing it with a carb makes sense. And tastes good.
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In my family, we credited my grandfather's longevity to his daily routine of oatmeal. He did it the true Scottish way: boiled to mush in a pot on the stove. But I doubt he missed a day in his life of his "stick to your ribs" breakfast. It's a habit he had from his hard-working farm days, and continued into his mid-90's. You'd think that I'd have picked up the oatmeal porridge breakfast habit from him, and my mom, but frankly the way they did it made it seem tedious and inconvenient, especially in the morning when you're kind of rushed. Boiling a pot of water on the stove for a single bowl of oatmeal? Washing a pot every day? No thank you.

When I started at the Y and met with a trainer for the free consultations and orientation, she handed me a sheet of foods on the glycemic index and sternly told me what to eat and not eat. "Oatmeal. Whole grains only. Have oatmeal, but none of that instant stuff. The kind you have to cook on the stove." What, is this some sort of generational conspiracy to get me cooking? I understood the fear tactic about instant oatmeal, because what you get in the package has been processed and had a ton of sugar added. (Ever wonder why it tastes so good?). It's the whole grains that provide the benefits, and those take slightly longer to cook.

But, then, my mom showed me her trick. My made-from-scratch-is-the-only-way, gourmet-cooking, still-uses-the-same-plaid-patterned-tin-to-keep-oatmeal-in-that-my-grandpa-used mother, showed me how to make oatmeal in the microwave. With the real oats. Scary trainer never told me THAT was an option!

3/4 cup of water into a ceramic bowl. She uses a special microwave-safe pottery bowl, making the process of eating porridge into a bit of an art. Actually, that was part of the reason I stopped eating oatmeal, I think. I had a perfect bowl that I used daily. Loved it. It became my porridge bowl. Until I dropped it. Ever get devastated over something like a favourite mug or dish breaking? Yeah, I'm that person. At any rate, I heat up the water first, though you don't have to. Then stir in 1/3 cup oats. I just keep the measuring cup IN the bag. Easy-peasy. Add cinnamon to taste, and stir. And then nuke it for another minute or so.

Finding the right oats can be confusing. Steel-cut are the best, it seems. Rolled oats are still whole, but they are the most processed of the whole oats. When picking up a bag from the grocery store, I try to avoid anything with the word "quick" in it. Ultimately, though, if the only ingredient is one kind of oat, you're all good. Add whatever you like. Fruit works, as does milk (or whatever variation of non-dairy milk you like: almond, soy, etc.). My mom can NOT make it without the pinch of salt in the water, but I honestly can't taste the difference. And she needs some sort of sweetener, like brown sugar or maple syrup. I'm glad that I learned to eat it without sweetening.

So, the rest of my eating has yet to be balanced, but adding in oatmeal and cinnamon on a regular basis has, at the very least, helped me to get my days off to pretty decent starts.
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Losing grip

10/7/2014

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I haven't written about food or eating for awhile, and there's a reason for that.

I've lost my grip.

Without completely giving up or giving in, I haven't been as rigid and diligent or restrictive in my eating and drinking as I had been when I first started, and it shows. I've said it before, that I'm slipping and putting weight back on, and I've half-heartedly tried to get back on track. It's not working, and I believe it's because the will and desire isn't the same as it once was. Fitness Fatigue? Or just plain laziness when it comes to the really hard work of making food choices over and over and over?

My eating has slipped because I don't want to give up all the things I have to give up in order to be the size I want. Um, dilemma, much?

Metaphor time: I went climbing Sunday morning with friends. Though I still feel pretty new to it all, it's not like it was my first time at the climbing gym. And I couldn't get up to the top of all of the climbs before coming back down, and I couldn't last quite as long as I had in the past before saying, "nope, I'm done, I've got nothing left in my hands and forearms." I lost my grip strength.

Now, in climbing, it's not supposed to be all about your arms. You use your feet and your legs to lift you up, and you are meant to use your arms more for balance and positioning. But my feet fail me often, and they slip off some of the tiny holds, and it absolutely was my arms and shoulders that compensated. I relied on the part of me that was more naturally strong, and I tired it out faster because of it.

I think the same thing happened with my eating. I made changes, but I either relied on things to overcompensate (Biggest Loser competition, or incentives to track eating, or unhealthy methods) and they were all temporary, short-term solutions. Keeping those changes in the long term is like climbing: if you're not doing it right, using proper form, and using your whole body, you won't make it to the top.

This may require a full re-set. Start from the beginning, make the same little changes I had before. No "sometimes" lattes or frappucinos (which amount to adult milkshakes, even the hot beverages). No "sometimes" fast-food. Less eating out. More veggies. No "sometimes" bread. The things I had eliminated or learned to say no to completely have crept back in to my diet because I thought I could handle moderation and "sometimes" food, and I can't. I really can't.

The big question is, WHY can't I? And maybe I didn't do enough to address that the first time around.

All I know is that I'm working as hard as ever in the gym, and getting stronger. That's where muscles are made and fitness is found. Weight? Fat? Overall health? That's all food, and that's where I'm failing. So, that's where I need to re-focus.

I need to build up grip strength so I can keep climbing.
Literally, and figuratively.

Mat hates the word "diet," and usually so do I. It's why I've stuck with him as a coach for as long as I have. When I start getting a little crazy about food, he knows how to get me to back off the extreme measures and come back down to reality. In yesterday's measurement meeting, I asked if we really had to do them this month. "Mat, we both know it's not good. I feel it, you can see it. Do you really have to measure to see how bad it is?" I asked. To my surprise, he said no - he didn't. Not because he thought it was "bad" or anything was wrong. Just that he doesn't have to rely on measurements. He can plan a program based on my goals, based on what he knows about my body and how it responds, and I didn't have to weigh in if I didn't want to. I told him I thought I needed to get back into diet mode, even if it means calorie counting and going back to eliminating foods completely. He had two suggestions. First, do what I do best: research. "I'm okay with you making some of those changes, but why don't you learn and blog more about certain foods? Their benefits and all that." And second, "focus on the good foods to add in, instead of the 'bad' things to take out." Start with the positive instead of making it so negative. 

So, that's my goal. To write as much about food as about exercise and body image, to re-research and to share as I go, and to try and focus on including or re-introducing foods that do something good for my body, instead of eliminating or restricting the foods that don't.

We'll see if I can't build up some mental grip strength as well as the physical, and get to the top of the wall. Because the gym is working, but exercise alone isn't enough to overcome bad eating.

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Motivation Monday: You can do anything

10/6/2014

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Nerd Fitness has done it again. In my inbox last week appeared the right article at the right time, on the same day that I heard Hedley's "Anything" on the radio while working out. Some days you need to be reminded that you really can do anything, y'know? 

The message from Nerd Fitness is "Don't escape. Get inspired."  Remember back to when you were a kid, and you based your imaginary play on the books and shows and characters that filled your life? Watch kids at the playground these days. Chances are, they're playing superhero or good-guys-bad-guys or they're mimicking the adults in their life. When we grow up, we lose that imagination and creativity.

What if we didn't, though?
What if we used those heroes as inspiration in our lives, instead of as an escape?
What if we didn't just passively absorb our entertainment, but used it to become better?
What if we truly believed that we can be anything?

"Books, games, movies, and our own experiences are a chance to do one of two things: temporarily escape our own existences, or get inspired to improve ourselves in real life."

Remember, we are presented with two choices as Nerds and Rebels:

We can daydream about becoming Superman, the man of steel, or we can find a way to get stronger.

We can wish that we could run like the Flash, or we can work on getting faster.

We can lie awake imagining life as Indiana Jones, or we could set aside five dollars today for that trip.

We can be jealous of Tony Stark’s Ironman suit, or we can decide to rebuild ourselves.

We can admire the honor of Captain America, or we find a way to embody his spirit.

We can watch in awe as Oliver Queen’s Green Arrow moves gracefully through any environment, or we can start to train like him.

We can complain that we don’t look like that other person at the the gym, or we can make the comparison to ourselves from yesterday.

We can admire the courage of Frodo and Bilbo Baggins from the comfort of our couch, or we can learn what courage really means, and then step past our own scarecrow.

Every time we make a decision to get lost instead of inspired, we are telling ourselves “imagination land is better than reality.”

We use our characters as inspiration for what is possible. We use those books and movies as blueprints to start planning our own adventure.

And then we get off our asses, step outside our hobbit holes, and see where the road takes us.


A thousand disbelievers couldn't keep me on the ground,
I've invented a momentum that'll never slow me down,
I believe it 'cause I feel it, and I shout it out loud,
I can, I can, I can so

Everybody said, boy, don't go any higher,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything,
Never push the limit, and don't play with fire,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything,
Wear my heart on my fist,
Take you by surprise fighter,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything

Never try, never win, never get a break,
You miss a hundred percent of the shots
You never take

Everybody said, boy, don't go any higher,
Uh uh, fuck that, I can do anything
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Feel the burn, feel the burnout

10/3/2014

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Ever have those days where you just want to hide from the world, where everything and everyone is annoying, when you just don't care about anything anymore? It might be burnout. Stress reaches a peak and you reach a point of exhaustion and you're in one of the stages of burnout.

Burnout is defined as “a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed and unable to meet constant demands. As the stress continues, you begin to lose the interest or motivation that led you to take on a certain role in the first place.”  Warning signs and symptoms include fatigue, lowered immune system functioning, feelings of failure and self-doubt, isolation, procrastination, and taking frustrations out on others. (Helpguide.org)

I was thinking about this yesterday as I berated myself for not getting out of bed at the crack of stupid to get in an hour of swimming, dry off, change, and THEN do an hour of personal training. See, I had planned on doing that. I had also planned on swimming Wednesday morning AND doing spin class at night. I had planned on swimming Tuesday morning AND doing Group Core and TRX Flexibility after work. I bailed on swimming every morning, in favour of more sleep, and getting some household chores done. I haven't gone climbing yet, even though I just purchased a membership at the indoor climbing gym. Despite getting at least an hour of exercise in every day this week, I still feel like a failure because my intent was to do far more.

But is it a failure, really? How much can one person do? I've cut myself some slack on this, because I've also come across a few articles this week about over-training and exercise addiction, as well as blogger burnout. Must be a sign. Life is telling me something. There isn't enough time to do all the things we want to do, let alone what we have to do, and to ignore that is to risk burning out.

Let me clarify: I'm not burnt out, right now. Not like I was at the end of the summer, just before vacation. Work and life have returned to a normal routine. Sometimes in life, you gotta just push through, knowing that the to-do list is long because everything is coming all at once, but that there is an end in sight. I know the work cycles and peak times that are likely to lead to feeling burnt out. Understanding why you're burning out, though, doesn't make it any healthier. And it certainly doesn't mean I need to add to my stress by creating unreasonable or unrealistic expectations about what I can do. After all, the effects of chronic stress on weight loss - those elevated levels of cortisol and ghrelin - are well documented.

But, you know what else can lead to feeling burnt out? Obesity, itself. Being fat in a world that expects you to be thin, and the pursuit of weight loss; each one can be stressful. Each is exhausting in their own way. Each one wears you down. Messages are relentless, and not only from the media or companies who profit from us feeling bad about ourselves. That's not being negative; acknowledging that it's something fat people have to deal with takes away some of the power of the pressure. I just need to admit that it's tiring. It's tiring fighting to live a healthy and active lifestyle when it doesn't come naturally to you. It's tiring pointing out incidences of weight stigma and fat shame, to reject the anti-obesity messages if you choose to. If you choose not to, and you work to change yourself, it's tiring making time and finding money and expending energy to work out daily and prepare food and stay on top of the extra laundry created by sweating on a regular basis. It's worth it, but it's tiring.

Feel the Burn? Feel the Burnout.

And THAT is where I've been this week. Emotionally tired. I know I've hit the point in the Fitness-Fight cycle where I'm getting close to burnout when the thoughts creep in: "What's the point? I don't care. Is it really worth it?" I used to worry about these thoughts. Now, I can recognize that they are simply part of the cycle because in a long, drawn-out effort (which "lifetime" definitely is), you're bound to get tired of it at some point. You're bound to question whether it's worth the effort. I think I was stuck in that point of the cycle for about a decade, giving up and giving in because the fight to be healthy seemed too hard. In recognizing the cycle, I no longer even need to voice those thoughts out loud.

But I still need to deal with them.

So, that's why I'm letting go of the guilt for not swimming as often as I said I would this week. Let's call it what it is: burnout prevention. I caught up on sleep. I got some cleaning done. I had time with friends, to listen and to be heard. And because of it, the melancholy "not sure it's worth the effort, I want a cheeseburger" thoughts were pretty short-lived.

The good news is that there are things that we can all do when we recognize that we are feeling burnt out:
* Remember why you chose this path. Think about what has continued to inspire your passion and energy.
* Find out who your supports are, and if they're not positive or helpful, find some who are. Avoid negative or toxic people at this time, even if you can't remove them completely from your life.
* Slow down. Take a real break. Say no to things. Cut back whatever commitments and activities you can.

It's worth taking those breaks and stepping back, to get out of that burnout point as quickly as possible. Because then you can get back into the fight, or back into routine, feeling motivated and happy again. Ignoring the thoughts and feelings of wanting to give up, of "is it really worth all this effort?" can only lead to a longer climb out of that downward spiral.

For more information about recognizing signs, prevention, and recovering from burnout, check out HelpGuide.org. The page also breaks down the differences between stress and burnout. Worth a read, because we are all affected at some point in life (several, probably) by each.

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    Whose blog, now?

    From the gut, about the gut, trying to listen to what my gut tells me.

    I'm just a girl, fighting the same weight battle as much of the population. Lost 100 lbs, working on the rest, trying to find balance between health, fitness, and vanity. I'm also a librarian who wants to share credible information and reliable resources, in addition to my own musings and reflections, what I call "my writing from the gut."

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