It's official: one year until 40. Every year I get a little reflective and melancholy on my birthday, despite enjoying all the well wishes and social interactions and attention. It's a day full of reminders of how many good people I have in my life.

It's also a day that reminds me that time is one thing I can not control. The angst is often related somehow to my body.

I'm always a little weird about my birthday. I don't so much count down the days as dread them, and then I just accept the well wishes on the day of, and move on. Mostly, it's just another day. Birthdays used to bother me because they were a reminder of what I had not accomplished by certain ages and societal expectations. But, even though I haven't achieved the standard measure of success (marriage, kids, house), I've done a lot of things of which I'm proud. I'm happy with who I am. Birthdays in my mid-thirties were tough because they were reminders of the biological clock ticking down. I've pretty much come to terms with the thought that this body will not likely conceive, carry, or birth a child. There is a certain peace and acceptance that comes with aging.

Still, every year around this time, I start freaking out just a little about getting older. Why is that?

I think it's the feeling that I'm running out of time.

You know, I don't actually mind the physical signifiers of aging that we talk about. Sure, I point out the white hairs that need to be plucked, and I see the wrinkles around my eyes, and my teeth aren't as white as they used to be. I'm never gonna get carded again at the liquor store. It's easy to point to the aesthetics and complain, but that's just because we measure beauty in terms of youth. It's a battle most of us lose, and if I really cared I could cover up with dye and makeup and moisturizer and money. So, I'm really not so concerned with those things. They're just easy ways to give voice to the more deeply complex and troubling aspects of aging.

Ultimately, I think we all fear death, but perhaps even more so we fear frailty. (Or is that just me?) And the older you get, the more realistic it becomes. It's human nature. When you are young, you are invincible. You can ignore and deny that it will happen to you. If it does, you can bounce back. We tell ourselves that good nutrition and exercise will keep the wolves of old age at bay. If I just do the right things, I can out-smart time and evolution. Yeah, right.

I'm not alone in this. A great blog post at stumptuous.com called "the winter of our content" pointed out how unreasonable some of our thinking really is: "In my vision of my 40s, I’d be one of those women who murmurs through still-full lips that Why no, she hasn’t noticed any changes to her body, thanks to perfect nutrition and regular exercise and by the way yoga and Swiss chard juice is quite magical! I’d keep patiently adding, say, 10-20 lb to my lifts per year. You know, reasonable expectations. Modest. Do-able. By the time I was 90, I’d be deadlifting 1500 lb. Of course. I’d say shit like Age is just a number! I have the body of a 20-year-old!  (Well, not my 20-year-old body, which was saturated in alcohol, 50 lb overweight, and usually parked in front of a daytime talk show.) Somewhere along the way, the memo to my body about How This All Works must have gotten confused."

True, dat.

This year, in particular, I think I am struggling with getting old because I am starting to feel it. It's not an abstract idea anymore. I feel it in my knees. My back. My shoulders. My eyes aren't what they used to be. I don't have the same stamina to stay up to all hours of the night. I don't have the ability to sleep through the entire night, either. And, for the first time in my life, I want to be able to DO things I never imagined I'd want to do. I came to this fitness thing pretty recently, when you look at the big picture. I struggled with weight from a pretty early age, and was never really active. The fear and anxiety around getting older is that I won't be able to do the things I want to try. It's not just that losing weight gets exponentially harder the older you get (most people tend to put weight on as they age, so losing fat is also a bigger battle). You start to lose strength, flexibility, and agility, too.

All of a sudden, the mantra "it's about health, not vanity; I want to be fit, even if I'm not thin" becomes much easier to say with conviction. Because the chances of something breaking, becoming diseased, or no longer working increase with every passing year. And that is a sombre reality.

Except.
Except.
Except.

Except that it could all be in my head. I'm not dead yet. I'm buying myself some time by making the changes I've made. I have no way of knowing how many years I've added by swimming and lifting weights, nor do I know how many I've taken off with every binge. It's all unknown. That's the reason to keep going. If I buy myself one more day of feeling healthy, happy, and strong, isn't that worth it?

As she says in her Stumptuous post, I'm still here (and, really, if you didn't read the link above, stop what you're doing and go read it NOW: http://www.stumptuous.com/rant-69-the-winter-of-our-content). I'm here. Showing up. Still fighting for health, still fighting the urge to give in or give up. "I’m still here. Breathe. Move. Rep. Creak. Still here. Because this is it. It doesn’t get better than this. This is how it works. It’s all the road. It’s all part of the journey."

Today's training session with Mat was killer. He came in, smiling, and said, "Happy Birthday. I was going to make today fun ... but I changed my mind. It's gonna be HARD." Insert evil grin. It was what I was expecting and, predictably, he had me do 39 of everything. Started with 39 push ups. Then 39 squats with weights on the barbell on my back (in the squat rack). 9 to warm up, with just the bar (which weighs 45 lbs). Then 3 rounds of 10 squats. I looked at the weights he was adding on each side. "Getting as close to 39 as we can," he said. So ... 37.5 lbs on each side of the 45 lb bar. 120 lbs - the most he's ever had me do. Same story with the leg press: 9 to warm up, then 3 rounds of 10. And so on. That was just the first half of the hour.

They say you're only as old as you feel. I guess if my knees feel 80 and my soul feels 10, then 40 is about the right average. I know the reality, that this gets harder the older I get. I also know that there are some bad-ass 50, 60, and 70 year olds out there who are as strong and as fit as they come. I watched American Ninja Warrior earlier this week, and while most of the contestants were in their 20's, there were a few who are older than I. Age isn't an excuse. It's a reason to keep going, to keep working hard.

It's not going to get easier.

On my 39th birthday I squatted and pressed the heaviest weights I've ever done. Age had little to do with it. Of course, it may have something to do with how I feel tomorrow, and whether I require a nap later on today! But, despite facing 40, I still showed up. I'm still here.

And I'm not ready to act old just yet.

Maya Angelou passed away today. Given that she was such a prolific and inspirational writer, a fighter for all human rights, and someone who overcame tremendous obstacles, it's little wonder that her quotes are appearing just about everywhere.

I don't know that she ever talked specifically about health or fitness or working out, but she sure talked a lot about strength and courage and endurance and living your best life.

So, however they are interpreted, her words are worth re-sharing.

There's not really much more to say. Watch the video.

She pretty much covers it all.
These are facts I've come across time and time again.
And it's sad that they're true.

But it's why, despite a focus on my own weight, and exercise, and nutrition, I'll continue to include body image related content on this blog.

Because.

They say that the first step to addressing a problem is admitting you have one. Clearly, I know that disordered eating is an issue for me. What makes it tricky to sort out is exactly HOW it is a problem, because that affects the way I handle it.

Why is it that some times I can say no, and at other times my willpower completely fails me? Why is it that some foods hold more sway over me than they do over someone else (and vice versa)? More to the point, what do I do about it? How do I decide what is the best course of action, until I really understand the "why" behind my eating?

I was tasked with identifying what type of hunger I was fueling when I ate, not just tracking calories and macronutrients in a food journal, but also considering WHY I was eating at that time. It goes a long way to explaining why I'd choose a particular food.

What need am I meeting when I eat? I need to learn to ask myself before I choose something (not after, in hindsight): "What is this doing for me? What is this doing for my body? And are the answers in sync, or in opposition?"

Stomach
We can't survive without food. I suppose life would be easier if we could, because there would be no constant struggle for choice. But we need to eat. It's fuel. And when we eat to fuel our body, when we choose based on that physical need, we're feeding our stomach. The meals that are planned in advance fall into this category. The snacks that balance out the macros (protein, carbohydrates, fat) fall into this category. When I eat before and after a workout, when I eat because otherwise I'd pass out, when I eat because it's been too long since the last time I ate, I am fueling the stomach hunger.

Sometimes when you feel hungry, you may actually be thirsty. It's a sign that you're starting to become dehydrated. Drinking water on a regular basis helps to stem some hunger pangs, and if you are diligently tracking your food intake and feel like you are eating enough but still feel hungry, try some water and see if it helps. It occurred to me once, as I was feeling a tad peckish at the mall, and instead of food I bought a bottle of water. The impulse to chug it down told me I hadn't had enough water that day, and sure enough, I felt much better and no longer hungry after a few minutes. Craving crisis averted.

Heart
Most people eat on an emotional level to some extent. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about: at least three days a month the chocolate cravings kick in along with those hormones, amirite? It's a coping mechanism for stress and sadness. Emotional eating is a bit of a conditioned response. I think we often give it a negative connotation, but the emotional eating can be positive, too. Celebrations often focus around food. We socialize and bond over food. So, many comfort foods become associations with events. Thanksgiving and Christmas just wouldn't be the same without dressing (or stuffing, depending on your family's lexicon). Because of that, comfort foods are not necessarily "bad" ones, or the highly addictive foods. It's whatever you've learned to associate with feeling better. It can be cultural. It's learned. And it doesn't matter who you are, there is something that you turn to that makes you feel better when you're upset, stressed, angry, sad, or bored. Whatever that is, recognizing that you're eating to fuel your heart - your emotions - is important. It's not a bad thing, until it gets out of control or if it prevents you from dealing with your feelings and then moving on.

Head
Distinguishing between the head and the heart is hard. They intersect, overlap, and look similar in some cases. Another complication is that the head holds both the mouth and the brain. Mouth hunger is all about cravings. You want a texture, a specific taste or smell. Salty or sweet? Crunchy or creamy? You know you're not hungry because there's a fridge full of veggies but you open every cupboard looking for something that you want, something that will satisfy. That means the hunger is in your head.

But head also means the mind, and so I'm including eating disorders in this one. Because Binge Eating is not usually about an emotional response, and it's not about mouth hunger. That may be a trigger, hence then confusion. But, for me, once a true binge is triggered, it's all head from there.

I think that food addiction also falls into this category. I've been trying to research food addiction and there's a lot of information to wade through. It seems that sugar addiction is the most widely studied and acknowledged. Sugar appears to be as addictive as cocaine. On a less severe scale, food companies spend billions to perfect the balance in the sugar-fat-salt trifecta. Which is why a lot of processed food and fast food are so damn hard to resist. The more you have, the more you want. Sounds an awful lot like addiction to me.

Unpacking the real difference between cravings and addiction is the messy part. Scientists and sociologists will argue the difference between the two. The devil is in the details. For me, the important part is taking action. And if it helps me to treat cravings and binges and an eating disorder as an addiction, so be it. It's something I'll be thinking about and writing about in the next few weeks.

In the meantime, I find myself thinking more about my surroundings. Too many times, the answer to "why are you eating this? Why are you craving this?" is "well, because it's there."

Learning to be mindful about eating is part of my current process.
It comes back to the 5 W's: not just for good research, reporting, and writing!

Who do I eat with - who influences me?
What do I eat?
Where do I eat?
When do I eat?
Why do I eat?

I've got the latest diet book on hold at the library, The Diet Fix by Yoni Freedhoff. In the meantime, he's been posting snippets daily. I can already tell that this will be a more common-sense, balanced take on "dieting" than most books on the market. I also follow his blog, and really respect his views. The Diet Fix is getting great reviews, most likely because it's not so much a "how to" diet book, and more of a "how NOT to." In other words, he busts a lot of diet myths. A voice of reason in a sea of loudmouths.

Myths of Modern Day Dieting

1. It's all about willpower.
The first myth of modern day dieting is that willpower is required. Yet people often spend more willpower on weight management than any other area of their lives. In this day and age, and in this toxic food environment, weight struggles aren't a willpower issue, they're as Yale's Dr. David Katz would put it, a skillpower issue.

2. Scales measure health.
Scales don't measure the presence or absence of health. Nor do they measure happiness, self-worth, or success. Scales measure one thing, and one thing only. Scales measure weight.

3. Dieting must be difficult.
Simply put, weight lost through suffering comes back. While there's no doubt that weight management and healthful living require effort, if the efforts required include regularly facing off with hunger, blindly denying yourself foods you enjoy, or following a dietary regime that doesn't fit your tastes, they're not going to last.

4. You shouldn't eat unless you're hungry.
For those who struggle with dietary control I can't imagine a more dangerous piece of advice than, "you should wait until you're hungry to eat". Hunger influences choice. On the other hand, organize your eating so that you're not hungry, and then you've got a shot, as "willpower", when it comes to dietary choice, is often simply the absence of hunger.

5. You can outrun your fork.
While exercise has truly fantastic health benefits and markedly mitigates the risks of weight, you're far more likely to lose weight in your kitchen than you are in your gym, and if you're exercising solely for the purpose of weight management, you run the risk of quitting perhaps the single healthiest behaviour you could adopt if and when the scales don't fly down.

6. Cheat days are wise.
There's no need to cheat if you're happy with the life you're living. While I'm all for thoughtful indulgences, in our current non-intuitive, hyper-calorific food environment, cheat days, even cheat meals, can easily sink your weight management efforts.

7. Some foods must be forbidden.
While of course there's no all-you-can eat chocolate weight loss program, there's also little doubt that if chocolate is one of the loves of your life, the likelihood of you living forever-more without it is slim to none. It's about the smallest amount of chocolate you need to like your life, and for most chocolate lovers, zero isn't a sustainable amount.

8. There's one best diet.
Different strokes for different folks is definitely true diet wise, and it's dead simple to know if you're on the best diet for you. Just ask yourself the question, "Could I happily live like this forever?", and if the answer's "no", you're on the wrong diet. The corollary's true too - if the answer's "yes", and if you're happy with your health, don't let any diet guru or zealot try to tell you different.

9. Muscle gains outweigh fat losses
Have you ever told yourself that the reason you're not losing weight is because you're gaining muscle? Oh how I wish muscle were that easy to gain! Muscle does take up less space than fat (it's denser), but it really only starts to impact scale weight when you're at a super low body fat percentage. Don't be lulled into complacency or be fooled by this easy-to-believe myth.

10. You should save your calories for dinner
If you know you've got a big dinner planned, while it might intuitively make sense to try to skimp on your daytime eating, if you show up to your indulgent meal hungry, you're likely to eat back your savings and then some. Bottom line for most meals out - if you save your calories for dinner, your overall daily total may well wind up higher than if you don't.

11. There are bottles full of weight loss
There are no shortage of products promising remarkable weight loss benefits. Yet the only thing remarkable about those bottles is that they're legally allowed to be sold. If there were such a thing as bottles full of weight loss, the world would be very slim indeed.

12. The last ten pounds are the hardest
If you want those last 10lbs to stay off, well then they'd better not be any "harder" to lose. "Harder" usually implies extremes of effort - lots of white-knuckles to pass by the yummy stuff, more gym sweat than is enjoyable, or incredibly monotonous eating and denying yourself the ability to enjoy food for comfort or celebration. Well guess what? You're not likely to live with those extremes for good and as a result (and you know this is true) it's not a matter of if, but rather of when those last 10lbs are going to return. Your real last 10lbs, while I don't know which 10lbs they're going to be, and while they will certainly be the slowest 10lbs, shouldn't be any "harder" than your first 10, and if they are, you're doing something wrong.

13. The most dangerous myth of modern-day dieting: Weights should be "ideal"
If I had to pick the single most toxic, backward, and yet desperately believed societal myth about weight there's no doubt it would be this 13th myth of modern day dieting - that weights should be "ideal", that people of similar heights are supposed to weigh similar amounts, and that numbers make useful goals. They don't. But if you believe that they do, well that's likely to lead you to all sorts of stupid when it comes to trying to lose as it's a belief that has fuelled the past 60 or 70 years of traumatic and extreme diets.

Like every other area of your life, your goal with weight management or healthy living is to do your best, and whatever weight you reach living the healthiest life you honestly and actually enjoy - well that's your "best weight". And Yoni Freedhoff is here to tell you, whatever that weight is, it's frickin' great.

You may have seen this post, called 10+ Reasons I Love My Ugly Body. In the health and fitness Facebook realm, it's gone viral. For good reason.

She espouses everything I aim to be: fit, healthy, strong, and honest. Honest about trying to love her body, even when she doesn't succeed 100% of the time. She lost 164 lbs. She is a fitness trainer herself. She is a triathlete. And she has saggy skin, and still carries fat. She may very well be my new hero and role model

She is another example of real weight loss success, and a bikini body worth showing. Especially since she is not merely posing, but is active in her shots, demonstrating her strength and skill.

Makes me want to try a cartwheel and climb a rope!

To get the full effect of her story, you need to see the pictures. I urge you to click and read the original. If the link happens to be overwhelmed because of all the visitors, here's the gist of it:

I trust science. I do not always trust how science is interpreted. It's the reason there is so much confusion and misinformation about health, fitness, and - especially - weight loss.

So, when anyone tackles the pursuit of truth in a balanced, researched, unbiased and amusing way, I pay attention. Especially when they are also amazing people in real life. I got to catch up with Mitch and Greg at camp this past weekend, the duo behind ASAP Science. What can I say? They're smart, and I trust their mad research skillz. They're not bad with a white board and dry-erase markers, either.

I've included some of their videos on this blog already, like the one about sleep. And when I try to get science-y myself, to figure out or explain things like Ghrelin and Stress, I think about how they might pare it down to the simplest explanation and infuse it with humour. Because, let's face it, to tackle topics like morning wood, why babies are so cute, or whether silent farts are worse takes a sense of creative whimsy.

But the ones I'm most interested in are related to health and fitness. There are plenty. The effects of water. Sleep. Stress. Stretching. Their series of videos made for CBC during the winter Olympics are all about sports, competition, and athletes. Totally fitness-related!

Whether you're ready to unleash your inner science geek, want to waste time on YouTube but are sick of videos about cats, or just want to understand answers to burning questions about daily life, Greg and Mitch have done a great job of making science entertaining and accessible. Check out all the cool videos they've made on the ASAP Science channel.

The long weekend is here! I'm about to head out to camp, for an annual alumni weekend. Frankly, I can't wait to get out of the city, into nature, and have a serious break from work and technology. To see people I don't get to see often enough. And to let loose just a little bit.

I've been wrestling all week with how this weekend is going to go. It's a drinking and eating kind of weekend. On the one hand, I know it, I've planned for it, and if I'm following the 80/20 rule, this definitely falls into the 20% cheat-day splurge category. The problem is that it's so easy to go overboard. Have a few too many wobbly pops (mmmm... beer), not enough water, and all of a sudden the kid-friendly camp food buffet becomes an eating orgy. Does it need to be all or nothing?

No.

I'm not going up there with the intention of putting myself into a bad situation, trying to deprive myself and then going overboard out of rebellion. I know I'm going to indulge. Giving myself permission should actually help to keep things in check. This is a guilt-free weekend of fun. And (not "but" - "and"), I'm also taking some fruit and veggies and healthier snacks with me. I'm only taking what I think is reasonable to consume, not letting my eyes be bigger than my stomach when I shop at the LCBO. My running shoes are packed, so while I may not be doing any intense workouts, I can still go for a walk or a canoe paddle ... weather permitting. (Please don't rain, please don't rain, please don't rain).

My main goal this year is to try and find balance. And, with balance, some peace. This weekend is a good test of how badly I want that goal. Stay active. Stay hydrated. Make the best choices from what's on the buffet each meal. And have fun with amazing friends in one of the most special places I can imagine.

Sounds pretty good to me.

How will you spend the long weekend? Do events like this, or vacation times, give you an out for indulging?

I sat in my car after personal training today, bawling like a baby.
This is a rare occurrence.

Mat had sent me a link to a video, in an email that just said, "this reminded me of you today." As I watched the clip on my phone, rain pouring down the windshield, the tears came streaming as what he meant sunk in.

This hit me right in the emotions. I think it was because the email came so immediately after the hour of personal training to which Mat was referring, and I watched it before even leaving the YMCA parking lot. So I was relating to it on a deeply personal level.

It was a tough hour with a lot of sweat and very little rest. We were in a multipurpose room all to ourselves, and Mat had pulled out all the toys that told me from the moment we started that this was going to be an intense training. Boxing gloves. Sand bag. Weighted vest. And a no-nonsense, not-here-to-be-your-friend, you'll-do-what-I-tell-you attitude. Dude was out for blood, sweat and tears. He got two out of the three.

I was panting harder than a dog in summer, after 5 minutes of warming up.

Near the end of the hour, he had me planking and pulling the sand bag through, from one end of the room to the other, with 30 mountain climbers at each end. "For every time you put your knee down on the floor, you have to do 30 more mountain climbers," he told me sternly. My shoulders ached. My butt kept sticking too far up in the air, prompting a broken record of "BUTT DOWN, BARB!" from Mat. He doesn't usually use my name, so when he does, I know he's not messing around.

Half way through round two, my shoulders gave out. Or, rather, I let them. Maybe it was my mind that gave out. Despite the consequence of more mountain climbers (meaning more time on my hands, which would tire my shoulders out more), I dropped for a break. "Fuck," I sighed. As I moved back and forth, Mat both encouraged and cajoled, to keep me going. "Don't listen to your mind. Keep going. Keep going." After giving him the extra 30 mountain climbers, and a brief rest, I went for the third round. "Don't let your knees drop. You can do it."

I have to tell you: it was HARD. I could feel the blood pressure in my face, knowing how beet-red it was. My arms shook. I was clinging to that floor for dear life. Gritting my teeth, making every ugly barbarian face imaginable. And I did it. No knees.

Then.
Then he says, "you're almost done. 5 minutes. Russian twists with the sand bag."

I started to laugh. Uncontrollably. I mean, I barely made it through what I thought was the final exercise of the hour. I sat slumped against the wall, unable to feel my upper arms beyond the burn, panting profusely, and he thinks I can slam a 25 pound sand bag from side to side?

"What are you laughing for?" he asked, in all seriousness. "I wouldn't ask you to do it if I didn't think you could." I laughed even harder. He waited. I caught my breath, calmed the giggles, and picked up the sand bag.

And I slammed the hell out of it, back and forth, 30 times.

So, it was in that context that he sent the video. I don't know why it made me cry. I know it was supposed to be inspirational. (Don't worry, Mat; it was. You did good). I know he was proving his point: he knew I could do it, and I did. I just had to get out of my own way and stop doubting myself. It's the kind of thing that makes total sense on a motivational poster. Your body won't go where your mind won't let it. Mind over matter. Believe you can, and you will. We say it often, but do we really mean it? Or do we even recognize the value of fortitude at times other than the big game, the grand finale, the climax of the story?

This was supposed to be just another workout on a wet and rainy Thursday, before going about my regular work day. There was no swelling music in the background. No crowd cheering. No competition. Just Mat, standing there with his arms folded, expecting something of me.

Believe me, I thought every single thing that football player said in the video:
- "it hurts"
- "he's heavy"
- "my arms burn"
- "it's too hard"

And Mat paraphrased the Coach: "Don't tell me you can't give me more than what I've been seeing."

I don't know how we learn to dig deeper and give our actual best, a true 100%. Except that when someone is beside you, believing in you, expecting it from you, even if you think they're nuts, it somehow becomes possible. It is the expectation that smashes the limits you set on your self.

The mind is so powerful. When you give yourself a limit, you work within that limit.

And that's probably why I was crying. Once you realize that you have it in you, you have to face the harsh truth that whatever excuse you give yourself, it's just that: an excuse. It's a lot scarier to admit that you can do more than you think, more than you allow yourself, because then you have to live up to those expectations. Even when it's on a small scale. You raise your own bar. Nobody really wants to ask the question "can I honestly do more? have I done my very best?" because we know the answer.

You can do more. You can always do more.

"Don't quit until you've given your very best. Keep going. Don't give up. It's all heart from here."

Mat proved me wrong today. Well, as he pointed out, I actually proved myself wrong.
I don't usually like to be wrong.
Today, I am okay with it.

When you're focused on weight loss, it's all about the numbers.
It can make you crazy.
It HAS made me crazy at times, to different degrees.

It wasn't until a major mind-shift from the body numbers to the activity numbers, that I saw any success at significant weight loss. That's what I mean when I talk about health and fitness. Once I focused on that, the weight started to take care of itself.

Near the end of the first round of Biggest Loser, which happened to coincide with my hitting the milestone of 100 lbs lost, we wrote reflections. This is what I wrote, over a year ago. I'm posting it now because I need the reminder: