Some times life drops exactly the motivation you need right in your lap, at the right time. In this case, my sister's boyfriend sent me a link to a video. I watched it once. Thought, "yeah, cool." Watched it a second time. It started to hit home. Watched it again and tried to write out the words.

What can I say? Exactly what I needed at this moment.

Newton's first law of physics: "A body in motion tends to stay in motion."

If you look at yesterday's post, you get the sense that I'm "circling the drain" and need a re-set. A reminder that it doesn't matter if you spend a whole day on a ski hill or just a few stolen minutes in the gym, the point is to get active. To move. To stay in motion.

"Move. Move faster. Move against gravity's pull.

I do it, too. Get on a conveyor belt. It's easy. But I'm way more proud of every single day I've spent outside, with my lungs burning, chest heaving, sucking for oxygen and life... I have never regretted working out, going for a walk ... not once.

We all try to be busy, instead of being alive. We move information instead of simply moving.

It's hard, I get it. But days spent on the couch should be a welcome anomaly, not a way of life.

I figure the type of movement is less important than the moving itself.

Fight for movement. Fight for this life. Life's more fun when you move."

Move.

The weight loss battle can be very lonely. It's you versus yourself. Sure, you build up your army of support warriors: the people who hold you accountable, the ones who work out with you, the coaches and trainers and instructors and friends. But, at the end of the day, it all comes down to you. Nobody can do it for you. Nobody can make you do it. And sometimes the people you rely on to get you through have battles of their own and aren't there right when you need them to be. You face your enemy alone.

It is in these moments that you have to decide how badly you want it. When it would be easy, so very very easy, to give yourself any excuse to give up and quit. To stop fighting. To concede defeat.

I'm at such a point, myself. Where life is testing me, seeming to throw one thing after another after another in the way. I want to lay down my sword and rest. But there are no guards at the door, no defense line left. And the enemy is attacking.

My enemy is Control. Well, a lack of control over myself or the changes happening around me, to be specific. When I have a say in the decision, whether the change is positive or negative, I find it easier to deal with than when I have no control at all. It's not always about change or choices, it's just life happening and stuff you need to deal with, and it all comes at once. And when it's one thing, I can usually take it in stride. Two things? I get stressed, but it's not visible. (Exercise often helps). Three? I get tense, you can tell, but I cope. When it feels like too many things changing, or too much is out of control, when life bombards me with capital-T "TOO MUCH" from every direction, so that there's no safe place, no sanctuary - then I start to revert back to old habits. The ones which were in lieu of healthy coping mechanisms. Binge eating. Drinking to relax. Sleeping as avoidance technique. Shutting down completely. Playing the victim, rolling over, and letting the enemy run me through instead of fighting, my old habits made me the expendable character with no name who died in the first scene. Mixing my cultural references, I was the Star Trek Red Shirt in my own life.

I don't want to play the victim.
I want to be the hero in my own story.

It's why I talk so much about strength, and use imagery of warriors, fighters, superheroes and ninjas. The bad-asses of storytelling. This journey often feels like a fight, an ongoing war, where you win some battles, and some you lose, but you hope to come out stronger and victorious in the end. Physical strength grows emotional strength. And that new-found mental strength has gotten me through a lot in the last few years.

Perhaps that's why I'm being challenged, now. I may have gotten too comfortable, too complacent, relying on my army. Life is forcing me to answer the question: "how badly do you want this?"

When I have regular classes I attend at the Y, and all my personal training sessions booked, and life at work and at home is under enough control that I take the time to plan meals and write down what I'm eating in my food journal, it's much easier to deal with all the other little things that crop up. As more got piled on my plate recently (figuratively, not literally), it was the food journal that was the first thing to go. Some sleep was forfeited, as more obligations piled on. But, no matter what's been going on at work or in my personal life, I've been able keep my workout schedule as a priority. My big rocks. Now? I may be in a position where it's not possible to make all the classes I've grown fond of, or to make it to classes at all. (The short version is an aging parent with a broken arm/shoulder, and I'm not sure how much assistance she will need over the next 6 weeks, and that's just one of the last straws on top of a very large pile that has been building).

I have to ask myself how badly do I want this, the health and strength?

This is life's test. I've been metaphorically squatting with a bar on my shoulders for quite some time, weight added bit by bit. There's a fine line between when the weight is too much and your knees buckle and the whole thing crashes down on you ... or you summon all the strength you have and you push from your heels to lift that weight and get a personal best. I have no way of knowing when I'll break, and when it's making me stronger.

Kinda feels like the breaking point is coming. Maybe it already has.

But what I mean by being challenged is that this is where I put my money where my mouth is. Will I still workout when it's not easy, when it's late at night and past all the classes, when nobody is around and there's no motivation, no accountability, no personal trainer planning a program? Can I really do it on my own? Will I let a lot of legitimate reasons become excuses, or will I find a way to keep my health a priority? Can I stop the spiral of emotional eating and keep to clean, whole foods (no sugar! no chemicals! no processed crap!), even when under pressure? (The Ghrelin Gremlins are part of my enemy's army, and they seem to be multiplying).

This perhaps sounds melodramatic, and maybe half the problem is that I see fitness and weight loss as a fight in the first place. My goal is to make it so much a part of my lifestyle that it's just a natural habit that I don't even think about. I was almost there. I think that regardless of how much stress you're under in life on a regular basis, there always comes a period when it gets to be too much. (Knowing that everyone goes through it doesn't necessarily help when you're in the thick of it, but it keeps things in perspective). And the rational part of my brain accepts the oxygen mask on the airplane analogy, that you have to take care of yourself first in order to take care of others. Still, it feels so selfish. It's pretty hard to justify putting yourself first when so much else is needed of you.

I don't know what the answer is. Parents everywhere face this problem daily. I have been pretty lucky, spoiled even, to have had the luxury of making exercise a priority and fitting it into my schedule easily. And, despite reverting back to emotional eating lately, I haven't had the additional hurdle of having to accommodate other people's nutrition or eating habits.

Yet, the war rages on around me.
It's a war for control.

No matter what form the enemy at the door takes, I have to remember that the only weapon I've ever truly had has been my response to it. I can't control when people get sick (myself included). I can't control when training gets cancelled. I can't control when the landlord needs entry or when they decide to do (unwanted) renovations. I can't control changes at work. I can't control what is needed to be done. I can't even control my emotional response to it all (the tears will come, unbidden, at the worst possible time; so does the beet-red blushing). The only thing I can control are my actions. My response is my weapon.

Time to sharpen the sword and get ready.
This hero has to defend herself.

People often ask me questions about nutrition and exercise, which makes me laugh a little, because I’m no expert. I read a lot, but I am stumbling through this as much as anyone else. I mean, I can tell you what I've chosen to do, and why, but what's right for me will not be right for someone else because we are all so different. And, let's face it, I might not even be doing what's right for me. It is an evolving process to figure it out. For example, this question was submitted to the blog:

Have you researched the highly advertised appetite suppressant PGX? It sounds safe... But would it really be that much more effective than a couple glasses of water and an apple? Also do you use whey powder in smoothies? What are the best plant-based protein sources?

I’m going to give you the most librarian answer there is: QUESTION EVERYTHING, and do your research.

While I can't necessarily provide answers to direct questions (again: not an expert, just opinionated or well-read in some areas), I *can* provide guidelines on how to research and decide for yourself!

When it comes to anything related to “diets” – whether it’s a new study, a pill or supplement, or a fad diet itself, I trust no one. I research the hell out of it before deciding to try something. First, I try to find out “is this potentially harmful? What are the negative side effects or consequences?” If I don’t find any, then I’ll ask: “does it work?”

More often than not, if it’s not actually harmful, it’s not effective.

So, let me break it down. When you hear about the latest and greatest, these are the questions you should ask yourself:

• Who stands to profit from this? And am I seeing an advertisement or press release carefully disguised as a blog post, article, or testimonial? There’s nothing wrong with someone making a profit, but you’d better question their motives if it’s all about the bottom line. Is a celebrity schilling it? Because chances are, if it needs an endorsement, it probably can’t stand on its own feet. Frankly, my rule of thumb is that if Dr. Oz is promoting it, it’s crap. That’s perhaps not fair, but he will lend his name to anything. And his image gets used without permission on more items than you’d think.
• Were studies done? Who did them? Because not all scientific studies are conducted without bias. Again, the main question is who funded the study? How connected are they to the company producing the final product? Next question to research is whether it’s a peer reviewed study, and whether there are several studies that independently reach the same conclusions.
• When considering the results of the studies, think about how long they followed the participants, and how long the results were maintained. If it’s only been 6 months to a year, that’s not really long in people terms. I want to know if a pill that makes you lose weight also helps you to keep it off 5 years later, not just 5 months later. Also, were the participants mice? Because you wouldn't believe the number of conclusions reached about weight loss that are based on mice. It's a start, as far as research goes, but the results don't always translate directly to humans! I want to know about the studies with, y'know, real people in them.
  
• What are the ingredients? Many times, when you look at what is actually IN a pill capsule, you realize that you could make your own variation much more cheaply, and what you’re buying is packaging. A good example is how many products use caffeine as the magic ingredient, because it either speeds up the efficacy of the other drug it’s interacting with (like acetaminophen), or it’s what makes you jumpy and feel like something is working (in pre-workout concoctions). If caffeine’s the thing that is raising your metabolism, you might as well drink coffee, take a much cheaper caffeine pill on its own, or at least be aware of it, because if you don’t realize it, then you might just be raising your blood pressure needlessly. Or dangerously.
• Is it sustainable? How often do you take it, and for how long? What happens when you stop taking it? This is true for supplements and diets alike. Once you start, what happens if you stop? Is it something that you can maintain, in the case of a diet, for the rest of your life? (Think about shakes, meal replacements, or even severely restrictive diets: can you realistically keep to that regimen forever?)
• Can you get the same thing from a natural source? Like, raspberry ketones are a big thing these days. So is green tea, and acai berries. All of them can be purchased as pill formats, because the active ingredient for weight loss has been broken down and isolated. Wouldn’t it be better to just eat the acai berries, or to eat raspberries, or to drink green tea? Look into what the studies actually found, because sometimes the amount you'd have to ingest in its natural format (like with green tea) is so high that it would be nearly impossible to drink that much. On the other hand, with many foods the chemical compound that is the active weight-loss ingredient works best when it's part of a whole, or when combined with other elements, and it loses its magic when it's isolated into a powder. Acai berries are being promoted as a superfood for their antioxidants but blueberries are just as effective (and way more readily available, and tastier). Understand what, exactly, the studies found and what amounts are effective, and in what format, to save yourself money at the pharmacy.
  
• What’s your source? Is it credible? If you’re using Google, understand that advertising often looks the same as legitimate links. And companies pay for Google rankings. Search engines are not benign. Also, a lot of ads look like news articles. Read the testimonials carefully. You’ll notice that a LOT of them are exactly the same, even though they're promoting different superfoods, diets, or supplements. It’s ad copy. That’s how you know you’re essentially reading a press release and not a unique article, let alone a study. But you only realize this once you've read enough of them for it to sound familiar.
  

You have to do your research, and that takes time and a critical eye. Question absolutely everything.

A big problem today is oversimplification. Information gets dumbed-down to sound bites and headlines. People don't want to read a lot of text. Even a news report that is unbiased may be honing in on one aspect of a finding, or they may blow the results of a study out of proportion, which is how we get wild claims and superfoods and diet fads. Everything is over-hyped, from the weather to the obesity crisis and all the possible solutions to it. As consumers, we have to sift through the information to separate the grain from the chaff, and only select the healthy and digestible parts. It is overwhelming.

So, where do you start?

First, find a few credible sources. Having “Doctor” next to a name doesn’t mean everything, but that PhD does make someone more reliable if they are actively researching or working within an academic institution. I follow Dr. Yoni Freedhoff’s blog, Weighty Matters, because he questions policy related to obesity. Dr. Arya Sharma is an often-quoted expert whose balanced and cautious approach is based on a reasonable and realistic understanding of the science behind obesity. Both are Canadian, which can make a difference when it comes to policy or regulation. Dr. John Berardi of Precision Nutrition is also Canadian, and a trusted source for nutritional information. Not every popular or well-known name is bogus, but I trust the celebrity doctors and nutritionists and trainers - the "personalities" - far less than the people who spend their time in a lab or working with patients on a regular basis.

Start by searching for criticisms and reviews. If you just Google the diet, or the pill, or the food, you’ll have to wade through all the ads, the testimonials, the rah-rah-this-is-the-best-thing-ever kinds of results. Those sites PAY to be at the top of a Google search. So, search smart: include the word “review” or “criticism” or “negative results” in your search. All it takes for me is to find two sources explaining why something is bogus for me to believe it. Don’t fall for the positive hype! Your mantra should be "if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is."

How many sources can you find to back up the claim? This can be tricky, because a lot of news outlets pick up a story in the rush to be the first with breaking news, and so mis-information gets repeated until we believe it. Having said that, I still look to find three or more sources that seem to independently find and say the same thing, about a diet’s results, or a food’s properties, or a supplement’s efficacy. And I look to see if they are all quoting from the same original source (regurgitating the same interview or article in different packaging).

When researching online, what kind of website are you on?  The dot-coms are usually commercial and selling something. If it’s a dot-gov, then it’s put out by a governmental agency. One would hope that it makes it more credible, though that’s not always the case. These days, anyone can create a website or blog ("hi!") and say whatever they want to say. Whose site is it? Is it someone who makes their living in the fitness industry? What is their role and reputation? Is there transparency? I would find someone who wants to share information freely to be a better source than someone who requires you to purchase a subscription or service in order to access their latest and greatest secret, but if they are a professional (trainer, body builder, chef) and staking their reputation on the information they put out, it’s probably more accurate than a news magazine.

And, please, for the love of all that is accurate and factual, get yourself to a library! Don't rely solely on the Internet. While there is equally bad information in books, newspapers, and magazines, these are sources which have usually had to go through some kind of editing process. A little bit of fact-checking, so the information was somewhat accurate at the time of publication. (Always a good idea to check the publication date, because medical and nutritional information can get old and outdated FAST; go with fairly recent dates). You don't even have to go in to the library to research. Most libraries will have databases you can access with a valid library card. And a database is sort of like the Internet (it's online and you search it), except that what you're searching is a collection of magazines, articles, and encyclopedias. You know the source, you get more journals (peer reviewed! academically sound! well-edited!), and you can narrow your search to get better results.

There is so much information out there, and it's overwhelming to wade through it all. I find it overwhelming to process the accurate information, and figure out what to do with it, let alone have to take into account the myths, misinformation, and outright lies.

I may not be able to answer all the questions that come my way, or give concrete advice about what you should do. But I can always help to find a resource that will.

I had the chance to do an extra Group Core class the other night, as an instructor-in-training had to submit a video to get certified. It was in the studio, where there are mirrors. I realized how long it's been since I've taken a class where mirrors are around, and what a difference they make. Not in a good way.

Mirrors are supposed to show us a reflection of what IS. No judgment, just reality. I'm not sure they actually work that way, though. Do we really see ourselves as we are, or can mirrors play mind games too? When I have to watch myself in a mirror, I focus way too much on how I look. Without mirrors around, I give far more effort because in my head I look like everyone else around me. Or I am much thinner in my mind than I am in real life. Or I don't realize what is bouncing, jiggling, riding up, or hanging out. In fact, I don't focus at all on what I look like, only on what I'm doing, when there are no mirrors.

In particular, with Group Core, there is a lot of lying-on-the-ground moves. Planks, pushups, burpees - where you're facing down, and gravity's pulling every saggy part as low as it will go. Then you flip onto your back for crunches, leg lifts, or Russian twists. It never occurred to me what I look like doing these kind of moves, until I handed my camera to Mat one day and said "I need pictures for Megathon and the blog." And when I looked at them, I realized with horror what he has to look at when I'm doing hip bridges, tricep skull crushers, and presses. All I can say is "dude, I'm sorry! Some days your job sucks." Gravity's no friend to the double chin, even when you're lying on your back.

Working out's not really supposed to be pretty, though. And when I focus on what I look like when I do it, I'm definitely not paying attention to form. Which is why it's a good thing that mirrors are not often around.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder is at one extreme end of the spectrum, and is when a preoccupation with how the body looks, or dissatisfaction with a specific body part, interferes with your life. Most people have some part of themselves they're not happy with, but they don't fall at the disorder end of things. I don't have the disorder, but I can check off enough of the symptoms that I can admit I'm closer to that end of the spectrum than the healthy body image end. What I am never certain of is whether I am seeing a true reflection, or whether my mind is distorting the image. Is my gut really as big as it looks to me? Does everyone else get as repulsed as I do? Or, when I was well on my way to 300 pounds, did I actually notice or acknowledge how big I had gotten? I rather think my mind didn't let me see just how bad it was. I imagined myself smaller. And, in a way, that was a positive thing because it meant that I didn't limit myself as much as I otherwise might have. I still did things. I was still active if I had to be, if it meant socializing, if it was out of necessity (like every time I moved and had to carry furniture and boxes). If I'd thought too much about what my body actually looked like in a bathing suit, I never would have gotten into the pool again. When your mind lets you forget what you look like and your imagination kicks in, and you think you are stronger, leaner, faster than you really are, it allows you to perform better.

Self-perception is everything.
And reflective surfaces are a big part of that.

After a discussion and training session in pre-camp one summer, all about recognizing eating disorders (something which can get triggered when you put a group of girls together in close quarters for 2 or 4 weeks, bathing suits are often worn, boys are around, and food is hard to control on an individual level), we made one significant change in the girls' bathroom. We took out the full-length mirror. It was pointed out that girls were spending too much time checking themselves out in it. And it was placed in a spot that you couldn't avoid: as soon as you walked in, you saw yourself. So, that mirror was taken down, and replaced with a smaller mirror, hung in a less convenient spot, and used primarily for faces. (Counting bug bites!). If girls at camp need to check themselves out, they can only do so bit by bit, with small hand-held mirrors. It's one of the smartest and simplest things ever done to address the focus on body image in young children and tweens.

Could you do it? Could you go without checking yourself in the mirror? One woman did - for an entire year. A year which included her wedding! I stumbled across her blog - Mirror, mirror, off the wall - which has also been turned into a book. I feel a reading binge coming on, going back through two years of her blog posts!

Mirrors play a significant role in how we see ourselves. Over-checking can lead to some deep-seeded body image issues. A study done on ballet students found that despite mirrors helping to improve form, they also increased comparison and body dissatisfaction in dancers at high-performance levels.

From a social perspective, mirrors are not mere physical reflections; what our brain sees depends on what we believe others will see. We attach meaning and social construct to our reflection:

Whenever possible, when I work out, I avoid the mirror or my reflection in the window. It's not actually that hard to do. Even when a mirror is in front of me, I try to look waaaaay up, down, or away. When I have to look at myself, in the mirror, it's to evaluate my form. It's only when my reflection catches me off-guard, as it did in filming that Group Core video, or occasionally in spin class when I am bent over with my gut spilling out, that it leads me down the path of disgust and self-loathing.

It's a complex psychological phenomenon. I am finally at a point where I like who I am, even if I don't like what I see. At least there's a solution: stop looking in the mirror so much and put the effort on building up the reflection, the image, that is in my head. Fix that, and what I see in the mirror may change. Or it may simply cease to matter so much.

It's time to give my Fitness Coach his due. Mat did two things in our session last night. He pointed out that I hadn't written about him in awhile. (Groan. But, it's true). And he came up with a last-minute killer workout that did exactly what I needed it to. He deserves to have his praises sung, I'll give him that.

There are lots of great and obvious reasons why people work with personal trainers. In the future I'll compile advice and tips for when you're looking for your own, 'cause you can't all have mine! I've written before about how I chose Mat, how I finally went from group training to one-on-one sessions. For now, I'll keep him happy and make it all about why I am lucky to have found my Fitness Coach.

Last night was a great example. I emailed him late in the afternoon to say "I'm having a crap day. I need a stress release. I don't know what you have planned ... but can you bring out the boxing gloves?" Here's where I have to confess that I enjoy hitting and punching things, working out aggression through medicine ball slams and other rage-y exercises. It's something I discovered while working with Mat, when he introduced new implements like the sand bag, after taking a workshop at his own professional development conference. At any rate, when I got to the gym, he had an intense and exhausting HIIT-style circuit ready for me. "I designed this for you with an angry heart!" he proudly told me. It worked. I left that place ready to crawl into bed, the stress of the day gone, no longer feeling like I was balancing on a precarious ledge.

When they asked me to write a testimonial about the personal training experience, this story is the one that came to mind, because it so perfectly captured all the elements that work for me:

Knowledge
You get focused attention from an expert who knows how to adapt a program to your needs. That stretch wasn’t in his plan, but he knew what I needed and how to show me. I told him what I needed ("stress-release therapy") and with little advance notice, he was able to come up with a plan that worked. He is always learning, developing professionally, and I respect that above everything. (Hello: Librarian and teacher, here!). He also shares the knowledge, wants you to learn it for yourself, and so he explains the what and the why. It's what makes him a coach more than just a trainer putting you through your paces. He expects you to grow.

Motivation and Accountability
He pushes me, challenges me, and forces me out of my comfort zone. He won’t let me tell myself “I can’t.” When I meet those challenges, it doesn’t just give me a better workout or change the shape of my body, it builds confidence. When Mat tells me to do something that seems outrageous or impossible, I give him a look, and he just says "don't look at me like that, I wouldn't ask you if I didn't think you could do it." Most of the time he's right, and that's the reason I've seen progression. It's the reason I've even attempted things that I'd always told myself were off the table (like weight lifting). "Don't underestimate me," he says. "Dude. I'm not. I'm underestimating ME," I tell him. Sometimes you need someone else to believe in you, to show you that you CAN, so that you can start to believe in yourself.

Trust
He’s there to catch me when I fall, and he has literally “got my back.” I know I’m always safe, physically and emotionally, especially because he checks in and asks. I don't know if he even realizes the significance the phrase "I'm right here" has for me, but with the trust he's built, I know he really is right there. And when my arm gives out on that last rep because he's done his job and given me just enough weight to press, he knows when he has to actually catch the barbell and when I've got it.

Personal Connection
We have fun. We laugh. Because of that, exercise has become something I enjoy, not just something I have to do. It can be as simple as joking during rests, or as complex as coming up with a themed workout. I knew I could work with Mat as a coach when he led a Zombie Apocalypse workout in class just before Dec 21, 2012. Now, that's a sense of humour that works for me!


Ultimately, the strength has to come from within myself. He can’t do the work for me. MY core has to hold me up, keep me in balance. That giant stability ball is like life: throwing you off balance, giving you every excuse to fall off and fail. But Mat is there, standing behind me, coaching, cheering, correcting, watching, instructing, supporting, praising and motivating. It's not an easy profession he's chosen. I'm only one of many clients demanding his time and energy. I've nearly squashed him, taken him down with me a few times, when I have almost fallen off the ball of life. Yet he's helped me get back on each time.

A fitness coach helps you stay on the ball.

I’ve been working with Mat since January 2013. While I have lost 100 lbs and am still working towards weight loss, what has been truly life-changing is my shift in focus towards fitness and strength training. Much of that comes from him and what we focus on. With the increase in my physical strength has come mental strength. It’s not about what I’ve lost, but what I’ve gained. Confidence. Resilience. Pride. Respect. Health. Happiness.

And it’s because I have a great fitness coach in my corner.
"Thank you" just doesn't seem like nearly enough for someone who has changed your life for the better.

Do you remember your first diet? I do. Well, I think I do. If I was put on a diet before Grade 5, then I don't remember. But I can vividly recall being on a specific and restrictive diet at some point in the fifth grade. It was taped to the fridge, outlining how many half cups of plain tuna, cottage cheese, and cantaloupe I had to eat over a 4 day period. I've seen it circulate the Internet since; it's that lose-5lbs-in-4-days diet that is often recommended before surgery. It was not designed for me, or for a child. I'm not even sure whether it was my doctor who told my mom to put me on it, or whether she thought she'd try it for me out of desperation. Grade 5 puts me around 10 years old. Around the age when I should have been playing with yo-yo's, I was getting caught up in weight cycling. Thus began a lifetime of Yo-Yo dieting.

Recently, I wrote about how early I started having problems with being fat. I'm fairly certain that hormones played a big role, as did environmental factors (parents, peers, media). What likely didn't help was what I did to fight that fat. As I mentioned, I was still sort of active, even though I wasn't good at many sports. And I was not exactly over-eating or eating particularly unhealthy foods. The binging and hiding food and rebellion didn't come until a few years into being "fat."

At some point I think I just gave up and said, "okay, whatever, I'm just gonna stay fat." It wasn't healthy, but it was probably better in the long run because at least I stabilized and didn't continue to grow and grow and grow. The only problem was that I was stable at a pretty gigantic size for my short frame.

This is why dieting doesn't work. This is why getting my eating under control and finding balance is the key. Because, every time I consume too few calories, or even just stay right on the line of barely enough to get by, there will inevitably come a time when I indulge or introduce something back into my diet which I had eliminated. And then the weight goes back on, more than before, and I'm back in trouble.

I have to remind myself of this constantly, because I'm human and I lose patience with how slow the process is. Especially at times like this, when I can feel that some weight has gone back on. Clothes are fitting snugger. I can see it, I can feel it. And my instinct is to panic and crash diet, to lose a lot in a short time. It's tempting. Except that I know that it will go back on. I know it from experience.

So, slow and steady wins the race. One day at a time, doing my damndest to keep the eating as clean as possible, to get enough calories and say no to chocolate. Ditch the yo-yo, and find a better game to play.

Fat. If any word sums up my life, that’s the one.

Lately, the topic of "what's your weight story?" has come up in conversation. (In other words, "yeah, so, how'd YOU get fat?"). For a lot of people, it's something that caught up with them later in life. They were either really active in their youth or had super fast metabolisms, and could eat what they wanted and didn't have to think too hard about health or fitness. It was when they stopped playing a sport, or after they had kids, or when circumstances changed which led to eating habits changing, and the pounds slowly went on until one day they didn't like how they felt. That's not my story. While I don't find it helpful to dwell in the past - it only leads to holding on to resentments and looking for blame - it does help to look backwards every now and again to remind yourself (and myself) of the big picture. How'd I get here?

I’ve pretty much always been fat. Somewhere between third and fourth grade, around the time that puberty hit (hello, hormones!), I went from being a scrawny stringbean to “the fat kid” in school. Looking back at photos, I can see that there was hardly much difference between me and my thinner peers. I was not a poster child for the “childhood obesity epidemic.” I was just … fat. I hadn’t changed my eating (yet) or my activity level, but my body changed. I definitely felt fat, by then, though I don’t think I knew what that meant or the life-long ramifications. Actually, I think I felt ugly before I felt fat, and it all went together. I was still pretty confident. Adults would have said I was cocky. Independent. Self-assured. Social. Most of all, I was stubborn. I emphatically did not like anyone telling me what to do. I sucked my thumb into grade school, and fought all the attempts to force me to stop, mostly on principle. The harder people pushed, the more I dug in my heels that I would not give it up. Once *I* decided I was ready to stop, I replaced it with biting my nails. They were self-soothing actions that I didn’t grow out of until they became socially unacceptable, and then I replaced the hand-to-mouth self-soothing with food.

I was naturally terrible at organized sports, so I did individual activities like ballet and swimming. The rule in our house was that we had to participate in a balance of activities: something social (Brownies/Girl Guides), something in the arts (piano and flute), and in something active. I took swimming lessons. My sister was the team player and did all kinds of sports. My father was extremely athletic. My mother? She hated her body, which used to be skinny until she had my sister and I. So she did classes at the community centre like Dancercize and aerobics. She dieted. And she took me with her.

Food in our house was pretty healthy. Even when my mom cooked hearty meals, they were always from scratch. We never had processed foods. But she was a dieter of the 80’s so fat was the enemy, and what we know now is that it’s much more complex than that. She baked the way my grandmother did, with lots of sugar and butter. We were a meat-and-potatoes family. I was a picky eater, but my dad’s philosophy was that you didn’t leave the table until you finished your plate. Learning to listen to your body and know when you’re full is hard to do when what you put in your mouth makes you gag, and when you have to finish what was doled out (even if you’re full), or get shamed for asking for more (when you are still hungry). When I would have more food than my father deemed appropriate, I’d get called “Miss Piggy.” There was a lot of shame around bodies and eating, in my house, coming from both parents albeit in different ways. My mother defined herself by her cooking, and to this day she takes it as a personal insult if you don’t have what she’s made, and if you don't enjoy it. It's not surprising that, between my sister and I, one of us ended up with such a disordered relationship with food. Given all of the emotional significance attached to it in our family, and the conflicting battles for control, it seems inevitable, in retrospect.

As I got a bit older, I learned how to hide my eating. I had stashes of candy hidden around my room. I would eat at friends’ houses. I would eat after school on my way home, spending my meager allowance at the corner store. First it was bags of penny candy, eventually it was entire bags of chips. By the time I was in high school, I would ditch the lunch my mother sent me with and buy my lunch “in the caf” with my friends. And because I was doing it to fit in, I bought what they all bought: fries with gravy and a big cookie. That was the norm. For teens in high school, fitting in meant everything. It didn't hurt that there was an element of rebellion, the "piss off" to the world trying to tell me what and who to be. It just backfired on me, because I didn't hurt them, I hurt myself.

But, as I grew, so did my sense of shame and self-loathing. Every so often I'd decide to do something about it. I would diet. I would restrict. I'd keep it up for a few weeks, until I lost the willpower and "fell off the wagon" or "caved in" or "was bad." The problem with a diet is that when you stumble and fall, you fail. Rather than getting back up, I'd give up. And then the weight would go back on, more than before, and the cycle would begin again.

And for too many years, that's just how it was. Try half-heartedly to lose weight, fail (most often with an epic binge), blame myself, decide it was either impossible or not worth the effort, and fall back into old comfortable habits.

I know my story. Its roots run deep. But, for me, understanding how I got the size I did, why I stayed there for so long, even understanding some of the biology behind it - it's all important information in making changes NOW. Awareness is key. In particular, I see many of my friends struggling with these kinds of questions with their own children. Do pacifiers used for babies lead to the thumb-sucking, hand-to-mouth self-soothing eating issues that some say they do? How do you handle a picky eater? What do you say about yourself in front of your daughter so that she doesn't pick up her mother's body issues? Which parenting method is better or worse, which one "caused" my eating disorder: the clean-your-plate method, or the catering-to-your-wants method? My parents still argue over whose fault it was that I turned out the way I did. I am beginning to understand just how complex the task is, for parents. Body image and relationships with food start so young, and influences are passed along whether you're trying to or not.

So. That's MY weight story. There are a lot of pieces to that puzzle, and some are probably still missing. But, I have a clear enough picture to be able to address and undo a lot of the things that got me here.

Sometimes, in order to move forward, you do need to look back at where you came from.

Made it through March Break, one of the busiest and most stressful weeks of the year if you work in the Children's Dept. of a public library. I did not make it through chocolate-free. Or icing-free. Or beer-free. Or, well, you get the idea. March Break is also the reason for the less-than-personal, non-original-content posts from the past few days.

And March Break is the catalyst for this post about stress. Well, stress and belly fat. The two seem to have a messy, tangled-up, co-dependent relationship.

This could get a little bit science-y, and I am emphatically NOT a science-y kind of person. Which is why I have had to do a lot of reading and research to boil it down. But here's what I know:

• You can't control where your body stores fat (that's genetics; you can only control gaining and losing overall percentages of body fat). Sadly, you also can't spot reduce or target where you burn your fat from.
• I have a lot of belly fat; my gut is where my body stores and clings for dear life to it. Hence the name of the blog. It's all about my Gut. I have a vested interest in trying to figure out how to get rid of belly fat, or at least how to avoid gaining more of it.
• Abdominal fat is just about the worst kind of fat. Fat in other places may be unsightly, but it's not always harmful. The spare tire? Packs serious health impacts. Deadly ones. Subcutaneous fat is the muffin top, the fat just under the skin that you can grab on to around your mid-section. Even worse is visceral fat, the kind that you can't see, but which fills the spaces in and around your vital organs. "Visceral fat has been linked to metabolic disturbances and increased risk for cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes. In women, it is also associated with  breast cancer and the need for gallbladder surgery." (1)
• There are two Hunger Hormones: Ghrelin and Leptin. Ghrelin increases the appetite, and Leptin decreases the appetite. It would follow that if you are trying to lose weight, you don't want to produce too much Ghrelin. You want that hormonal bad-boy kept under control.
• When you are under stress, the adrenal glands secrete the hormone Cortisol. It increases blood sugar levels. And Ghrelin levels are elevated by chronic stress.

So ... what I'm piecing together is that stress and abdominal fat are highly correlated. Nuts. So much for a simple solution.

I can't see the word "ghrelin" without thinking "gremlin." And, you know, those Ghrelin Gremlins are nasty. They increase your hunger. They decrease your willpower. They grow the more you feed them, especially if it's a high fat diet. Given the negative effects of eating too late at night, the "don't feed them after midnight" Spielberg rule is applicable.

Stupid, insidious Ghrelin Gremlins.

But, it's not all their fault. The Cortisol hormone, we'll call him Captain 'cause the other hormones pretty much follow his direction, is what tells the Ghrelin Gremlins to release in the first place.

And Captain Cortisol responds to stress. Constant stress, too many stressors, and it becomes a chronic problem. The body never relaxes. The Captain never retires or takes a vacation. So the metabolism slows down, and you are always in an unnatural fight, flight, or defeated state. Those high levels of cortisol don't just release the Ghrelin Gremlins that tell your body you're hungry. Oh, no. Those Gremlins crave sugar, fat, and salt. In fact, a diet high in protein and good carbs will help to decrease ghrelin levels (as will sleep, and relaxation). That is part of the reason that it's harder to maintain willpower in times of stress, because it's not just psychological. The cravings can be a biological response, too. More ghrelin and you're not just hungry, you're hungry for the unhealthiest stuff available. Double whammy.

Huh. Well, maybe we should go to the source, then, and eliminate stress altogether? Not so fast. There is good stress, too, which we need in order to not be completely boring. It's that competitve drive. It's what makes you do a good job. It is what makes you passionnate about something you are interested in. The flip side to caring can be negative stress. I care about what people think, about how well I do my job, about how others are feeling, and that worry and anxiety goes hand in hand with caring. I don't know how to turn off caring about some things and not others. That kind of stress is hard to eliminate, even if I am not in crisis mode with something tangible to point to as the cause, as the stresssor.  You know the kind of things I mean: injury, car accident, family crisis, getting fired, a breakup. Or the things which may not be acknowledged as a crisis by the outside world, but feel rather large to us: overdue bills, getting stuck in traffic and missing a meeting, job interviews, that sort of thing. Everything feels ... important. Rushed. Hurried. We live in a world of chronic stress, but it's not just the mental or emotional. Anything, ANYTHING that puts demands on the body causes stress (2). Like, oh, intensive exercise. And an extremely low caloric diet.

You heard that right. Dieting is a source of chronic stress. So is exercise. The top two methods of dealing with and reducing stress are also stressors. Ugh. No wonder we're caught up in a cycle that is tough to break out of. I should note here that it's intensive exercise, or over-training that is more likely the stress culprit; good exercise will release endorphins, which make you feel good. And it's dieting, in the restrictive, low-calorie sense of the word which is harmful, not changing your diet permanently. It can be hard to see the difference, especially if emotions are involved. If you feel deprived, you're creating stress for yourself, even if your body is getting good nutrition. What did I tell ya? Complicated and tangled.

Aside from changing diet and getting smart about exercise, finding a balance in both and ensuring adequate rest and sleep, there are things that I do to try and reduce my body's cortisol-releasing response to stress. I take fish oil (Omega 3 only) daily to help with inflammation. I take a Vitamin B complex, since the B's are the ones which are associated with cortisol (and which are often packaged and marketed as stress reducers. Save yourself some money, just buy a regular B-complex vitamin, because if you look closely at the ingredients in a lot of the "for stress" concoctions, that's basically what's in it). Laughing and crying are both stress releasers, and I do an awful lot of laughing. Crying, not nearly enough. I hate crying in front of people, but sometimes when I need an emotional release I'll pop in the part of a movie that I know will get me to heart-stabby levels of weepy.

Other things I know I should do, or do more of, include getting adequate sleep. More yoga with meditation. Journalling (the private kind, to vent and release and work out problems, not the blog-to-the-world kind of writing). Turn off devices and disconnect for at least 30 minutes a day (and story time programs don't count); phone, computer, TV - should be off. I need more nature on a daily basis. It really needs to be a multi-pronged approach to coping with stress, kicking Captain Cortisol to the curb, and get those Ghrelin Gremlins under control.

After all, I want to have a tight ass, not be a tight-ass.

I love Shel Silverstein's poem called "Magic." Taken literally, it's about fantasy and magical creatures. As a fitness metaphor, it speaks to me because it's so easy to fall into the trap of magical thinking. Wishing for an easy way out. Hoping that someone will come along who will change your life for you, waiting waiting waiting until they do. Looking for a pill to take is the equivalent of Jack's search for magic beans. Maybe some people are lucky. That's their story.

Most of us have to make our own magic.

Self-motivation is the ability to let go of magical thinking and take responsibility for yourself. There may be a lot of people helping you along the way, but it is ultimately all up to you. And the only way to make magic is through hard work.

That's not to say it can't be done. Or that magic - in whatever form you want to believe in it - isn't real.

I just mean that we don't have to rely on some fantastical entity to come along and wave a wand for us. We can do it ourselves. Overcoming something that feels impossible because it's overwhelming is a little bit like making magic. You just have to believe it can be done.

And, since I'm on a Shel Silverstein kick today, let me leave you with two more poems that can be applied to the weight loss journey of self-discovery and awesomeness. Because making magic requires belief ... and a sense of humour.

Foam rolling has come up three times today in my Facebook news feed. I'm taking it as a sign to post about it. I am not great about using my foam roller after every time I exercise, even though I understand the reasons behind it. It ... just hurts! Which is exactly why I need to use it more. I'm obviously tight from working out, and the foam roller helps to loosen those muscles up. It's like getting a massage: it hurts, but in a good way. And it gets at some of the fascia and myo-fascial tissue (again, like massage) that is deep but not easily released through traditional stretching. Now that I've sung the praises of foam rolling, I'm re-posting an article about how to use it. And then going to do some rolling of my own. Rolling in the Deep.

Hips: The muscles around your hip joint, a.k.a. the hip flexors, help you draw your knee up as you stride. They can get inflamed, resulting in a feeling of tightness or even a sharp pain with every step.

Hip Flexors Roll

• Lie facedown on floor, both thighs atop roller just above knee, torso propped up on forearms.
• Roll body backward until roller reaches top of thighs; roll back to start. Continue for 60 seconds.

Glutes: Your glutes, which help stabilize your pelvis as you pound the pavement, can tighten up if they are too weak.

Glutes Roll

• Sit on floor, right thigh atop foam roller, palms flat near hips. Cross right shin over left thigh and lean torso back slightly.
• Roll body forward until roller reaches lower back; roll back to start. Continue for 60 seconds. Switch sides; repeat.

Hamstrings: As your foot strikes the ground, your hamstrings contract to counterbalance the forward motion of your body.

Hamstrings Roll

• Sit on floor, back of right knee atop roller, palms flat near hips. Cross left ankle over right ankle and lean torso back slightly.
• Roll body forward until roller reaches glutes; roll back to start. Continue for 60 seconds. Switch sides; repeat.

Calves: The acceleration of running, or push off, of each stride causes tiny tears and stretching in the muscle fibers in your calves. Even every day use of calves makes them deserving of some foam rolling care.

Calf Roll

• Sit on floor with legs extended, right ankle atop roller, palms flat near hips. Cross left ankle over right ankle and lean torso back slightly.
• Roll body forward until roller reaches back of right knee; roll back to start. Continue for 60 seconds. Switch sides; repeat.