Not easy to understand, but apparently a far more common thing than one would think.
In psychological terms, it is cognitive dissonance. Holding opposing beliefs, where the more deeply held belief wins out in the end.
When I hit a big mental wall several months ago, Mat sent me the article below. It was the first time I'd heard such a rational explanation for what seems like an irrational behaviour. The dark side to weight loss that people don't talk about. I revisited the link this week, especially for the reminder of the action options at the very end. What has been interesting and helpful about blogging is how often people say "it's like you are writing about MY life" or "I'm going through the same thing." I know I'm not the only one in a self-sabotaging slump at the moment. In fact, there's a pretty big circle of friends who are actively reaching out and saying "I need help and support and accountability" and I'm like "yeah! me, too - let's get through this together." Maybe it's the interminable winter catching up to us, mentally. Maybe it's that 3-months-past-New-Years-resolutions stage. Maybe it's just a period of change, the lull after the hype and focus of Megathon and March Break when there's a void to fill until the next big project starts. Or, maybe - as Mat suggested - it's just time for a vacation, a change, a shake-up of routine.
Whatever it is, I'm not panicking nearly as much as I did the last time I hit this point in the cycle. I have faith that I'll get myself out of it, if I can just ride it out. Keep showing up at the gym and maintain the habit, even if I'm not enjoying it quite as much or bringing the intensity. Keep trying with the eating, even if I slip - hell, even if I landslide half way down the mountain. In the past, I'd have given up. Let the yo-yo go all the way back to the top and then some. Now? I have better tools. I have support. I have patience to work my way back into the better habits that I had built because they were made on a more solid foundation.
And I understand that I'm not alone in this self-sabotaging behaviour. I just gotta figure out what belief is lurking beneath the surface, what the source of the cognitive dissonance really is.
Without further ado, the article to which I am referring:
"Your body reframed" by Pilar Gerasimo, from Experience Life (an online magazine).
And then, something strange happens. Suddenly, perhaps subtly, you find yourself making choices you used to make, resuscitating less-than-healthy behaviors you thought you’d given up. Bit by bit, you start reclaiming that loose space in your clothing and retreating into the more familiar look and feel of your former, less-fit self.
So what gives? People get derailed from what appear to be successful fitness and weight-loss programs for all sorts of reasons, of course. In some cases, life circumstances or unrealistic expectations are to blame. In other cases, people burn out on overaggressive regimens, or simply fail to transition into sound maintenance programs. But there are also times when people abruptly reverse course for no apparent reason.
In such cases, there’s often an unconscious factor at work, and for anyone who has been working intently toward a fitness goal, the unraveling of all that hard won progress can be both a maddening and mystifying thing to behold. It may seem as though we have a divided self, with one part of us willingly doing the work of getting in shape, and the other part of us busily deconstructing our progress while we’re not looking.
This, according to cognitive psychologist Michael Hall, PhD, is a classic case of “cognitive dissonance,” a psychological phenomenon that arises whenever an individual holds two opposing (i.e., dissonant) thoughts, beliefs, values or goals. In many cases, explains Hall, one of our opposing ideas — or “frames of thought,” as he calls them — might be far less conscious than the other, but still surprisingly powerful. “If left unexamined,” he says, “our unconscious frames may compel us to act in ways we don’t entirely understand — ways diametrically opposed to our more conscious choices.”
A Method to the Madness
The key to understanding and dispelling such problems, according to Hall, lies in recognizing that some part of us is served — or at least thinks it is served — by our self-sabotaging actions. “One part of you may be committed to the idea of losing weight, and be motivated by the idea of looking more attractive and feeling more fit,” Hall explains. “But there may be another part of you that’s not at all convinced this unfamiliar state of being is safe or desirable. It experiences the change as a threat — a danger or challenge to another important value — and so it acts to reverse it.”
When it comes to issues of body shape and body image, though, we may find such reversals particularly perplexing. Why on earth, we might wonder, would any part of us not want to be in the healthiest, most attractive body possible?
Hall, co-founder of the International Association for Neuro-Semantics (www.neurosemantics.com) and coauthor of several books, including Games Slim and Fit People Play (Neuro-Semantic Publications, 2001) and Secrets of Personal Mastery (Crown House, 2000), explains this phenomenon in terms of “meaning” and “performance.” We attach meanings — interpretations, judgments, emotional associations — to everything we experience, he says, and then we perform, or behaviorally act out, those meanings in our everyday lives.
“The challenge,” he notes, “comes when we simultaneously associate two different or opposing meanings to a single experience, but don’t fully recognize that.” The meanings we attach to our bodies, in particular, Hall says, tend to be deeply personal, powerful and complex. We might have both very positive and very negative associations, for example, with the idea of an attention-getting figure, he explains. On the one hand, we may crave that kind of attention, and desire the benefits it confers. On the other, we might hold a deep-seated belief that people with attractive bodies are superficial, or we might dread the idea of being perceived and judged in relation to our appearance. Regardless of our conscious desires, Hall says, we’ll typically wind up acting out whatever meanings are most deeply held, or operating more actively, at any given time.
The challenge is that in many cases, we don’t even realize we hold a negative meaning until some triggering aspect of a given experience presents itself. Or worse, we never recognize it at all, but we react to it just the same. “Let’s say you decide to lose some weight and get in shape,” Hall says. “Consciously, because you attach many positive meanings to being slim and healthy, you perform those meanings by making positive lifestyle choices like exercising more and eating better.” Initially, you might be comfortable — even elated — about your progress. But then, as your body takes on unfamiliar characteristics, you may experience some unanticipated (and subtly disconcerting) reactions.
“Perhaps, as the result of your new appearance and fitness level, you begin to feel more sexually attractive and more confident,” Hall says. “Even though you might consciously attach many positive meanings to your desired state of thinness, if you have a more powerful, subconscious belief system that says getting sexual attention isn’t safe, or if you associate confidence with arrogance, or with the risk of being criticized, those beliefs may make the experience of your new thinness feel dangerous and deeply unappealing.”
As long as the unconscious, negative associations carry more import and meaning than your conscious desire to be thin, Hall asserts, they’ll cause you to begin performing those meanings — typically in ways that undermine your former, fitness-oriented behaviors.
Identifying the Disconnect
Whether you’ve self-sabotaged your fitness efforts in the past, or just want to guard against it happening in the future, your first step toward dismantling patterns of destructive mental processing is to learn to recognize them when they are happening.
To that end, make regular mental and emotional check-ins a part of your fitness plan. If you notice you’re feeling weird, uncomfortable or disoriented in your body, or if you identify that you’re engaging in a behavior that seems contrary to your chosen goals, get quiet for a moment. Go inward and ask yourself: What’s going on? What feelings or assumptions are operating now, and how do they support or oppose my most conscious priorities?
Hall refers to this moment of mindfulness as a “choice point” — a time when you can elect to either elevate your chosen frames and meanings, or let them be overridden by less conscious choices.
Using the suggestions in “Friendly Frames” as a starting place, take an inventory of your responses to both physical- and emotional-level changes. As you get into the habit of noticing what beliefs, reactions or assumptions are operating at a given time, you’ll become more adept at identifying your personal patterns, and at devising solutions for removing the psychological obstacles in your way.
Losing excess weight and getting more fit are generally thought of as causes for celebration. But some of the changes associated with these successes require an adjustment period — and some conscious integration. Here are just a few of the subtle physiological shifts that you might experience as your physique evolves, along with some observations from cognitive-behavioral psychologist L. Michael Hall, PhD — plus some “reframing” suggestions for getting your brain on board with the choices you’ve made for your body.
AS YOU LOSE WEIGHT. . .
- VISIBLE CHANGES in body shape and size often invite outside attention and comment. This can leave you feeling more “on stage” and inspected than you find comfortable. You may have mixed feelings about being more attractive, and particularly about attracting attention from the opposite sex.
- LOSING A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT of weight might make you feel smaller, more delicate and more fragile than before. Or, it may make you feel taller and more commanding. Either perception can create a sense of unease.
- EVEN A MODERATE AMOUNT of fat loss can make you feel “loose in your skin.” As your fat cells deflate and the volume of subcutaneous fat (the fat between skin and muscle) diminishes, you may feel that your skin is sagging, and that you can more easily “pinch inches.” As a result, you may feel somehow less fit and solid than before, and feel drawn to reversing course. Feeling “too much space” in your clothing can prompt a similar reaction.
- IF YOU COME FROM a family of overweight people, or have mostly overweight friends, you may suddenly feel you are “leaving your tribe” or abandoning some aspect of your identity.
- DEPENDING ON YOUR BONE STRUCTURE, age and skin elasticity, your face may look more mature as the result of being thinner. Conversely, it may look more youthful or take on an altered expression. Seeing an unfamiliar face in the mirror can be a disconcerting experience — even if you like the general effect.
AS YOU BECOME MORE FIT. . .
- PUTTING ON ADDITIONAL MUSCLE may make you feel more solid and more substantial than you have in the past, which can challenge long-held notions of personality and identity. Feeling stronger and more confident may inspire you to become more assertive, or it may make you feel that you’re “taking up too much space.”
- SUDDENLY HAVING MORE ENERGY than you know what to do with can make you feel restless, nervous, unsettled — and perhaps called to make larger life changes than you’re comfortable with now.
- FEELING MORE SPACE AND POWER in your lungs may give you a giddy emotional high, but also leave you feeling a little vulnerable, “untethered” or ready to “lift off” at times.
- BECOMING MORE VISIBLY FIT, muscular and physically admired may present an unanticipated shift for people who previously identified primarily with nonphysical or physically retiring aspects of their personality (those who’ve presented a “purely intellectual” or “shy violet” persona, for example).
TRY THESE REFRAMING TIPS . . .
AS PHYSICAL CHANGES OCCUR, make a point of acknowledging any emotional reactions or associations (positive or negative) they might trigger. Journal about your responses and insights and how you feel in your body from day to day. Talk with friends or peers who’ve gone through similar experiences. Ask yourself whether any negative meanings you might be assigning to the changes you’re experiencing deserve to be overtly challenged and “reframed” in more positive terms.
REMEMBER THAT SOME OUTCOMES (such as loose-feeling skin) may only be temporary, and others (such as too-big clothes) are eminently changeable. If you sense you are undermining important goals because of minor, passing or circumstantial discomforts, take steps to correct them (i.e., replace your clothes or have them altered), or make a conscious choice to wait out temporary discomforts in favor of your higher goal.
CONSIDER PLACING AFFIRMATIVE REMINDERS about your choices in places where you’ll see them on a daily basis. Spend a little time each morning and evening directing supportive, appreciative thoughts toward your changing body.
USE VISUALIZATION TECHNIQUES to get comfortable with your new-and-improved self — as you are now, and as you might be down the road. Imagine yourself going through all your daily motions at your healthiest and most fit.
KEEP IN MIND that more significant adjustments in appearance may represent more significant challenges to your frames of reference. Getting comfortable with feeling more attractive, confident, powerful, and so on, may require deep self-reflection and integration over time. If you think you would benefit from some coaching or counseling in addressing such challenges, seek them out.
MOST OF US do not see our own bodies as others see them. If you suspect you have a distorted body image, or suffer from a body-image disorder, seek counsel from a qualified medical professional or psychologist.